The First, Second and FortyEighth Time
by eloquentfever
Summary: 47 times Sebastian and Kurt sleep with each other for all the stupid reasons & 1 time they do it because they love each other. Kurtbastian. All dialogue. Caution: DRY, OFFENSIVE HUMOUR - includes stereotypes and can be crude and offensive depending on who you are. COMPLETE.
1. Last Night

Title: The First, Second & Forty-Eighth Time  
Rated: +18 – some sexual references, cross-dressing, drinking, alcohol, drugs  
Summary: forty-seven times Sebastian and Kurt sleep with each other for all the stupid reasons and one time they do it because they love each other. Kurtbastian.  
Genre: Humour/Romance

* * *

Chapter 1

_Last Night_

"You are devoid of logic, Hummel."

"Your hair is devoid of laws of physics, Smythe."

"You dream about having hair that requires no strict gelling routine."

"I think you confused me with my _boyfriend_, you know? Sex on a stick, sings like a dream, raising awareness of how extinct bow-ties are in the fashion industry?"

"Oh, please, Hummel."

"Explain to me again why you insist on coming to me to recollect what happened last night when the Warblers decided to _crash_ Puck's party."

"That was such a good idea. You should've seen your faces. I think Jeff peed his skirt."

"Jeff does not wear a skirt. And before you open those thin lips of yours, neither do I. I do not wear panties, or any form of female undergarments. Last time I checked, my birth certificate clearly stated that I am a male."

"Your vocal chords suggest otherwise."

"_Ahem_. Why did you need to recollect what happened last night?"

"Because I got drunk off vodka, champagne, brandy, cognac and other nice _alcoholic_ beverages. I think I took a head-dive into a champagne bottle from how I smelled. I think I woke up in your bed. By the way, you and my Mother share the same profound obsession of lotions and candles from _Bath & Body Works_."

"…you were in my _bed_…?"

"Hummel, you didn't tell me what happened last night—"

"Oh my God. _Sebastian Smythe was in my bed_."

"Hold the orgasm, Hummel."

"Were you naked?"

"Depends. Will you come if I tell you so?"

"Shut up. I need to know how to handle wiping away your _bacteria_ from my sheets. And did you just _purr_?"

"Like a sex kitten."

"Will you leave if I tell you what happened last night?"

"Yes."

"You thought it would be fun to try on Rachel's wedding dress."

"…"

"I have the picture if you do not believe me."

"Did I wake up in your bed in a wedding dress?"

"My Dad says yes. He saw you this morning. He commented diligently about how your legs need to be shaved. He asked if we were honeymooning in his shop."

"I'm _French_. I don't shave _my legs_. Nor do I shave _my pubic hair_."

"Oh God. Your _pubic hair_ touched my _bed_."

"I thought I was in a wedding dress."

"You groaned, hated it, and took it off and said that Rachel has horrible taste. I agree completely—"

"Did the Earth just explode? Did you say '_I agree completely'_ to something _I_ said?"

"…you're right. Oh God. It must be all of your germs already infesting in me—I can't stand it anymore. Fuck. I _agreed_ to something _you_ said."

"Anyway, Hummel. Continue your riveting tale."

"—you slept in my bed, naked. Finn managed to lure you away from my bedside by letting Blaine try to seduce you. Finn told me you punched him in the face because Blaine can't seduce well—"

"Who the hell says '_I want to tie your bow tonight?_' as a sexual comment—"

"—and now, I have to _sterilise_ my bed. Oh my God. _Sebastian Smythe was on my bed_."

"Calm down, Hummel. The Doc said the only way you can transmit Hep C is if I fucked you."

"Holy shit. I have Hep C."

"…so _that's_ what happened last night. Always knew I wouldn't squeeze myself in a dress that's built for chicks that are a foot shorter than me."

"No, that actually happened."


	2. Walk of Shame

_loving all the faves, babes~! make me happier? feedback?_

* * *

Chapter 2  
_Walk of Shame_

* * *

"Ah, Hummel, I gotta tell you—there's nothing as satisfying as the walk of shame."

"What the hell is that?"

"…"

"Smythe?"

"_You're_ going to college next year? Oh God, Hummel. You don't know the _first thing_ about college. The walk of shame aka when you hook up with a dude late at night, and then have to walk across campus in the same clothes you hooked up with the night before."

"—and _why_ is that satisfying?"

"Come on, Hummel. The smell of sex is amazing in the morning. You walk down and everyone knows you know how to get some."

"I would rather not have a sweaty college freshman leave his _scent_ on me."

"Pshh. Like he appreciates the scent of Chanel No. 5 on him."

"It's _Change_ by Chanel. I changed my perfume."

"Shit."

"What do you mean _shit_?"

"I mean as in uh-oh, fuck, crap, as in _shit_."

"I know what—"

"I wear the same fucking perfume."

"…and?"

"Er…well—I slept with someone."

"Wow. And I put some lotion on my face. Can we please skip the basics?"

"Er…your intoxicated boyfriend thinks _you_ slept with _him_, because we wear the same perfume. Funny, huh?"

"…you slept with my boyfriend. And you're wearing the same clothes you were when you fucked him."

"Yes."

"…you can keep him."

"_What_?"

"Dude, if I walk out of his bedroom smelling like that, then I'd rather watch Puck dance in a pink leotard, eating Toaster Strudels. Now, on to more _important_ issues other than you sleeping with my boyfriend…"

"…I did not eat those Starbursts, I swear…"

"…pushing Starbursts aside for now…now, Blaine honestly tore off your shirt? What's your secreting for arousing him enough to get down and dirty?"

"Hmm…my secret, you know? It involves _flannel_."

"I thought Blaine hated flannel."

"No, no, you got it all wrong—he _loves_ flannel. He especially likes it when you wear a 'bowties suck' shirt underneath and a tutu to match."

"…Smythe, I still have a functioning brain you know."

"Nope. Because you couldn't tell that I didn't _touch_ your boyfriend. The only reason I smell like _Change_ by Chanel is because I got you drunk and fucked you as revenge for fucking me in Berry's wedding dress. _Ha_!"


	3. Legal Limits

Chapter 3

_Legal Limits_

* * *

"You know what's above the legal limit, Hummel?"

"The amount of _ego_ you're allowed to actually have?"

"Nope."

"The amount of alcohol you drink in a day?"

"True, but that's not what I'm talking about."

"The amount of men you're allowed to fuck in one day?"

"Close enough. It's my sex drive. I'm not allowed to have a sex drive like this. I'm a victim to my own seven inch cock."

"How riveting."

"I mean, I even think you look good right now. Actually, I think you'd look even better if you do me a favour."

"And that is what, Smythe?"

"Lose the cardigan. You look like my grandmother."

"I thought your grandmother was dead."

"Lose the fedora too. You look like you're attending my funeral."

"I can only wish."

"Lose the pants."

"…what? No!"

"Why not? Is it because you rarely ever wear anything underneath your pants?"

"How the fuck did you know _that_?"

"Come on. When you lean down, you give all of Lima a view. I can just imagine the headlines. 'Male Homosexual Bends Over to Reveal White Ass Crack and Lack of Underwear'. By the way, Hummel, did you get your skin checked?"

"Excuse me?"

"See? There it is again. I don't think skin's allowed to turn _red_ every time you're a little angry."

"I'm not a _little_ angry, Sebastian. Every time I look at you, my blood boils so bad that Rachel can bake her cookies in it."

"Always knew you were a gruesome _Twilight_ fan. I read that bucket list, Mr Sex in Lavender Fields with Taylor Lautner."

"Oh, and you're making fun of me? Mr Sex In a Hot Tub with Logan Lerman!"

"…"

"Sebastian, I know that face. It's a face stating you're going to do something very stupid and sexual sometime soon…hmmm…oh God. What are you _doing_?"

"Turning on the water of your bathtub."

"That's not a hot tub and I'm not Logan Lerman."

"I now. Disappointing, disappointing. If it helps, I think his ass crack is as pale as yours."

"Fuck you, Smythe."

"I don't get how that's an insult. I love to _fuck_."

"…are those lavender-scented candles? You want me to have _sex_ with you in my bath tub with lavender scented candles?"

"Now, before we do this…"

"_Ohhhh. Sebastian_."

"…I need to know—_when_ we have sex, should I expect your skin to suddenly turn red from extreme passion and love for me?"

"Shut up, Smythe…and are you wearing _my underwear_?"

"What? It's not like you wear them, Mr Bend Down and View my Pale Ass Hanging in the Air."

"I will fuck you _so_ hard that it's above legal limit for anyone's ass to feel that sore."


	4. Beach Themes

Chapter 4

_Beach Themes_

* * *

"Hummel, do I have an accent?"

"Yes. It's from a language called _egocentric bastard_."

"Ah."

"Why do you ask?"

"A guy said I had an accent when I moaned."

"You can't have an accent when you moan."

"He said I moaned in French."

"Well, I always thought Blaine's birds chirped in Indian."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"You're _asking_?"

"Valid point."

"I am as always valid, Sebastian."

"…fuck me. I want to see if I moan in French."

"I will not fuck you just so you can see if you moan in French."

"Come on. We're in a _party_. And it's _beach-themed_. I can moan in exotic Hawaiian if you want but I'm not sure if I'm able to do that to be honest."

"Correction. You dragged me to a party and 'beach themed' obviously means showing up half-naked in bikinis but no pools are seen."

"Do you _really_ want Puckerman to show up to '_clean'_ my pool?"

"Point taken."

"I really want some Lucky Charms."

"If I fuck you, would you stop _ogling_ a box of cereal?"

"Yes."

"Why are you laughing?"

"You're jealous of a _box of cereal_."

"That's insane, Sebastian. Even for you."

"Uh huh."

"So can we have sex?"

"No. I want a bowl of Lucky Charms."

"Listen here, Smythe. I will take your ass to my bathroom, and I will put on the warm water and I will make out with you and we will have slow, amazing sexy time in my bathroom. Got it?"

"Yes, sir. And you are so definitely not jealous of me paying more attention to a box of cereal than you."

"…oh my God."

"What?"

"You want us to have sex in _this_ bathroom? It smells like one of my Mother's bubble baths. The place is filled with fucking _roses_."

"I'm a romantic."

"You're going to _serenade_ me now? Fucking 'sexy time' my ass! This is _romance_! I don't like fucking romance—_ohhhhhhh_….what was that for?"

"Shutting you up. Hey, Bas?"

"Yeah?"

"You moan in fucking French."


	5. Perfume Swap

Chapter 5

_Perfume Swap_

* * *

"This is completely _ridiculous_, Sebastian. I am _not_ answering that question."

"It's so important I might bring it up at congress."

"You wouldn't _dare_ ask my Father suck a question. He'd prefer to knock your teeth out and use it as remnants for his soup."

"_Pfft_. That's gonna help your Father's heart problem."

"How did you even know that?"

"Easy. You kept on crying on the phone to your step-brother about it when I was trying to watch a Blair moment on _Gossip Girl_. It seriously ticked me off."

"Do you have no heart?"

"My Doc said I was a very strange child. I kept on threatening my Mother with my binky when she tried to feed me carrots."

"God, I hope you never reproduce."

"I always wanted you to carry our off-springs."

"Kiss my ass, Sebastian."

"Ew. Why would I do that?"

"Your remarks make me want to boil you in a kettle."

"So far, you want to boil me in a kettle and your Father is going to make me soup if I ask him that question that is very relevant…"

"It isn't relevant to who he thinks should top."

"It's definitely me."

"Sebastian, you can't top. You're constantly called a slut, which is a sexually promiscuous _woman_."

"You have roses in your bathroom."

"You wore Rachel's wedding dress."

"Hummel, your insults are getting more and more beautiful the more time we spend. In a year, your remarks will be so perfect I would have shaped you for New York. I am so proud to be your teacher."

"Excuse me? I can't hear you throughout the sound of your French moaning."

"I got you a new perfume."

"What is it?"

"Tom Ford."

"It smells like my _Father_."

"It smells like a man."

"Fine. I'm going to wear it, but only to prove to you that I top in this relationship, Smythe. And you are my personal bitch."

"Oh God, that is _so_ hot."

"How hot?"

"I'm gonna fuck you right now. Just to make sure you get used to the scent."

"Fine."

"Oh God. I can't believe it. Hummel, I just noticed after nearly five times of having sex with you, you've got real balls. Kiss your clothes goodbye, Hummel."

_"I just got that dry-cleaned!"_

"…"

"…"

"…Kurt?"

"Yes, Rach?"

"Why is Sebastian naked? And Kurt, why are you in a towel? Isn't Sebastian leaving you alone?"

"We were role-playing the naked slut that wants throws beach-themed parties and the boy in a towel that has transmitted Hep C."

" …I think you should lie down, Kurt. You're beginning to _smell_ like your Father. I'm gonna go get you _Changes_ by Chanel and get a few _Cosmo_ magazines."

"Don't say it, Smythe—"

"Oh, is that the new issue of _Cosmo_? The _fuck_? What do you know? Demi Moore's still a whore."


	6. Fifteen Shots

_i adored this chapter so much~! gosh. you'll loveeee this, you guys. :3 because it is so EFFIN' TRUE. SamSam out!_

* * *

Chapter 6

_Fifteen Shots_

* * *

"Alright, Hummel. So I will start."

"What are you doing, Sebastian? Have I not discussed the dangerous implications of this experiment and that you're turning into quite the idiot?"

"Yeah. I think you said something about that when I was spooning my sixth bowl of Lucky Charms."

"With your amazingly horrendous appetite, I'm shocked you don't tip the scales at over three hundred pounds. Who eats six bowls of Lucky Charms for breakfast? Doesn't that constitute as a _binge_?"

"It was in the kitchen."

"A whole box is in the kitchen so it's just natural to try and finish said box in a singular meal?"

"Hummel, you don't understand science. If you burn off more than you eat, you don't gain weight. If I don't eat this many bowls of Lucky Charms, I'll wither away into nothing."

"I hardly think lacrosse practice burns—"

"I'm talking about sex."

"…"

"Where the fuck are you going, Hummel?"

"To get more Lucky Charms. You're gonna waste away."

"—Hummel, you're just jealous because you can hear Carlton moaning out my name from across the hallway."

"Explain to me again why you think it's okay for you to bring over a blonde when my parents are out late at night, and scar Finn for the rest of his life? How many times do people have to get eye-surgery because of you?"

"He was so dazzled by my sexiness that he nearly lost his eyesight."

"Smythe, God, if they can sell your ego as an injection, there will be no self-esteem issues in the world…how do you explain nearly blinding my boyfriend?"

"His fault for trying to be Bruno fucking Mars."

"Anyway. Sit down, Hummel. I'm doing this. Fine. You sit down and I'm gonna take a shot of tequila and you count how many I need until you start looking sexy."

"If you die, Sebastian, from vodka overdose, then—"

"Fuck you. You have too many self-esteem issues. You look fine, Hummel. I just want to see how many until you start looking sexy. Which is different. Does Berry look pretty to you?"

"Yeah. She's—"

"Is she sexy?"

"Fuck no."

"There we go. Same thing, Hummel…are you blushing? Fuck, can you be prone to blushing? You turn red every time someone tells you your ass looks good in those jeans. There. One."

"Two."

"Three."

"Four."

"Five."

"Six."

"Seven."

"Eight."

"Nine."

"Ten. How the hell are you not wasted yet?"

"Eleven. I'm a heavy weight."

"Twelve."

"Thirteen."

"Fourteen."

"Fifteen."

"Sebastian, enough alcohol—_hmmph_."

"You taste so sweet. I told you those Lucky Charms are amazing."

"Bas, you're drunk."

"I just had fifteen fucking shots of vodka. What the hell do you think?"

"…what are you touching…"

"Come on. We're gonna get down and dirty."

"Fuck. I want Blaine to say that."

"You can pretend I'm Blaine when we fuck and I'll even _serenade_ you."

"Alright, Blaine…? What are you gonna sing for me—?"

_"I'd catch a slushie for you…not submit to sexy Sebastian's sexual advances for you…" _


	7. Rating Scale

_so this chapter includes indirect Kurtbastian sex referencing, as it's a conversation between Sam and our dear old Bas! ;)_

* * *

Chapter 7

_Rating Scale_

* * *

"What are you _doing_, Sebastian?"

"Well, Evans, I'm rating people in my little black book so I can remember who's worth the fuck and who isn't."

"You rate hook-ups?"

"Yes."

"You hooked up with Kurt about _seven_ times?"

"Yeah."

"Why is the first one a negative number and has a comment of '_get pictures from Kurt'_?"

"I don't remember it. And he took pictures of me in Rachel's wedding dress. He fucked me when I was wearing a fucking dress. Blaine said by then, Kurt was just as hammered as I was, except he didn't wear a motherfucking dress."

"And the second time has a _gold star sticker_ next to it?"

"It's to spite Berry. Plus, that was the best revenge sex I've had in a long time."

"There's _revenge_ sex?"

"Oh _puh_-lease. Don't act like you haven't had sex with someone just so you can get revenge on them for having sex with you in a wedding dress."

"I've never quite had sex with anyone in a wedding dress."

"I thought the phrase was 'you only live one' so you might as well fuck women in dresses."

"Kurt's a boy. And the third time is…the third time has a sticker of a box of Lucky Charms and a reminder to buy some more."

"Hummel wanted an excuse to fuck me for revenge, so he got angry when I was ogling a box of Lucky Charms. In the end, it was nice sex. We actually both remember it this time. I called Blaine afterwards and told him his boyfriend has casually had sex with me."

"Oh man. What happened to Blaine?"

"He? I got him so drunk he slept with Karofsky so really, it's not a problem. We evened it out by then. He let it go."

"Fuck, Smythe. What the hell is this _mess_ you got yourself into?"

"Oh, look at this. This is the fourth time we did it. I wanted him to check if I moaned in French. He said I did. It was a fun party. I rated it as a five out of ten, because of the roses."

"Hummel gave you _roses_?"

"No, dude. That's gay. Even for me."

"And the next time?"

"We had sex because I bought him new Tom Ford. I said that because it doesn't smell like him, it doesn't really constitute as sex and he didn't really cheat on Blaine."

"What happened?"

"Kurt cried, and confessed and was about to call Blaine to tell him that. But something happened."

"And that is…?"

"We had sex. I told him that I wanted to do an experiment where I'd see how many shots it takes for Hummel to start looking sexy to me. Then he called Blaine after sex."

"And what did Blaine do?"

"They broke up."

"Shit."

"Then Hummel punched me so hard I thought blood was gushing out of my nose. He rated me as two for being such a sucky comfort. I told him that fucking his problems away is the best way to go anyway…so we had sex."

"Why does it have ten stars?"

"Man, you should see how _sexy_ Hummel gets when he's mad. He looks like he finally grew a pair of balls. Fuck. I think I came just thinking about it."


	8. Forgetting Him

_what children they are. Sammy shows you love LOVE LOVE. Gosh. I need less Cheerios and more oatmeal. Where is all this sugary rush coming from? and Wanna Be Starting Something (awesome penname by the way), cheating is not nice. ;3 and i'm glad you're all enjoying it so far. there are very few fanfics that i have up that have had no negative reception and this one is one of them happily! :D  
_

* * *

Chapter 8

_Forgetting Him_

* * *

"Sebastian, leave – I am in the process of _mourning_ the end of my relationship with Blaine."

"Learn to live without him, Hummel."

"And that is by…?"

"Look. This is my hook-up book. It's a sign of _life_ going on. You know, _living_."

"…Sebastian, I am concerned for your health. It can't be healthy to fuck five men in one night."

"That was a good night. And, if one of them is a threesome, it makes sense. Hey. Think we can get Blaine into having a threesome with us?"

"…Sebastian, there is no _us_."

"So you fucked me with the very intention of leaving me?"

"Very much so."

"Gosh, I'm so proud of you, Hummel."

"What do you want, Sebastian?"

"For someone to fuck me."

"Good for you. Scandals is right around the corner."

"Actually, Scandals is a two hour drive."

"Oh, _cut it_. Like you won't go that far as to get a fuck."

"Valid point."

"Now, why are you still here?"

"You know…I promise you that you can slice my cock off if I don't pleasure you and make you forget you even had a boyfriend."

"…I'm giving you the challenge, Smythe. Do _not_ disappoint me."

"Sheesh. Pressure much?"

_-Some Time Later-_

"Smythe?"

"Yes?"

"Run for your cock. I was doing fine _not_ remembering Blaine Anderson _until you screamed his name when you came!" _


	9. Masturbation Issues

Chapter 9

_Masturbation Issues_

* * *

"You know, Hummel – you and I are _just like_ each other."

"So I go around fucking every man in sight until I'm sure they can never regain proper use of their ass?"

"Well, _I_ can tell you I still have not regained proper use of _my_ ass…"

"And I start throwing around slushies at people's boyfriend's eyes because I'm a jealous psychopathic bitch?"

"You know, you remember that time you threatened to throw your waffle batter at me?"

"Waffle batter doesn't have the ability to blind you, Sebastian."

"Some of the sugar still hadn't dissolved. What if that went into _my eyes_? I would never see again."

"But it didn't happen."

"And Blaine still can see—wait, I thought he was your _ex_. Normally, people want their ex's to be blinded from a slushie attack, right?"

"Yeah. If you're Michael Myers, or Jigsaw."

"Hummel, are you comparing kickass insane mass murderers to _me_?"

"Yes. I thought you'd like it."

"…well, I do think I have an amazing smirk. You know, when I dive in for the kill."

"Oh, please, stop. You're as intimidating as Brittany in a skirt, dancing around with posies, pretending to be a unicorn—Smythe, did you just flinch? …holy fuck, Mr Mass Murderer, is afraid of _unicorns_."

"Did you see the _horns_ of those things? It goes through you and _bam_, you are dead. Gone. Wasted."

"…AHAHAHAHAHAHA—and you question my manhood, sir?"

"God, it's like Thad all over again."

"…you fucked _Thad_?"

"Why? _Jealous_?"

"I will show you fucking jealous. Lie on your stomach right now because I will fuck you until you see stars."

"I told you that you are _exactly_ like me, Mr Don't You Ever Get the Urge to Rip Off Each Other's Clothes—"

"What in fuck's name do you and Blaine talk about?"

"Mostly you. And how you refuse to wear something other than designer Prada all of the time."

"Oh God."

_-Later on-_

"…Kurt?"

"Yes, Blaine?"

"Did…did I just hear you and Sebastian…sleeping with each other?"

"Why? _Jealous_?"

"…"

"See, Hummel? You are _exactly_ like me. Now…Blaine, we are so alike that us having sex with each other is near masturbation, which I remember is the solution to all sexual urges according to you. Am I or am I not correct?"


	10. Drinking Advantage

_i'd probably add in a scripty format but i'm really really lazy. xD. no seriously. i'm trying to work myself up and tell myself to shower right about now._

_..._

_shush. i'm just telling you the truth. :P_

* * *

Chapter 10

_Drinking Advantage_

* * *

_"What the hell?"_

"What's wrong _now_, Sebastian?"

"Are you flirting with the bartender?"

"No—"

"Adam, did he flirt with you?"

"Shit, Bas, is he yours? He told me he was single and started saying that he knows _'how to unzip a pair of pants very well if I need any help' _then launched into how _inappropriate_ my pants is, and how it does not highlight the raw muscle of my ass. I didn't _think_ he was flirting. I thought he was doing a very good impression of my Mother."

"…Hummel, I need to teach you how to flirt."

"I do not need your help on how to flirt—"

"…oh, hey, Addy…Addy, babe… how is it that a guy like you would ever want a guy like me? But you want me. I can see you silently undressing me…oh God…it's driving _me_ insane…"

"Fuck."

"Smythe, you're flirting with him not getting high on—"

"Shut up, Hummel."

"…so…the offer stands, Bas?"

"Mmhmm…Gosh, your arms are so strong…don't you _miss_ me?"

"SMYTHE—"

"What, Hummel?"

"You cannot be flirting with _him_."

"Why not?"

"His pants are wrong."

"Gosh, Hummel, they aren't going to stay on him for long—"

"So, you two gonna order anything, Mr and Mrs Smith?"

"Yeah, Addy, vodka for me, and get Hummel some tequila shots."

"—you have got to be…"

"Alright, Bas. You usually take them cuter than this. You're taking one that dresses like a doll. I almost thought he was a chick in a gay bar."

"I know whatcha mean, Addy—fuck, Hummel, what are you doing?"

"Shit, Bas, he's making out with you like he wants to fuck you ten ways from Tuesday."

"I _will_ fuck him ten ways from Tuesday. I ain't _no_ lady."

"See, Addy? Told you I make 'em crazy."

"Yeah, Bas, never doubted you…it's the tequila, wasn't it?"

_-Later on-_

"Shit. What _happened_ last night? Why am I _naked_, Sebastian? Why are we in bed _together_? Why do we keep fucking each other senseless?"

"You drank too much tequila and told Adam the bartender that his pants suck. He also wondered why someone would come into a gay bar holding a Chanel bag. By the way, you got mugged on our way to the motel."

"…"

"Hey, you had a drinking advantage at least – this time, you didn't wake up and puke everything at three am. _I_ did. I think it was because you made another comment about finishing off business and finally chopping off my cock."


	11. Classy, Classy

_OHAI. ANYONE STILL READING THIS? :)_

* * *

Chapter 11

_Classy, Classy_

* * *

"You know, Hummel, I am classy…"

"What's classy about fucking everyone you get your arms around?"

"I did not touch _anyone_ since I realised you have an amazing sex drive."

"Are you suggesting that I am just as 'classy' as you?"

"Pretty much. You now have sex as much as I do."

"Shit. I am _classy_ though. I wear Chanel like you eat Lucky Charms. I own as many pairs of Prada as you own in phone numbers for random hook-ups. I eat tomatoes that are cut up like roses and salads that look like they're from a restaurant menu."

"Yeah, the creepy rose-carved tomatoes. Why do you insist on letting you tomatoes look like flowers? I mean…"

"The point is: I am as _classy_ as Paris Hilton."

"Yeah. Sure. And I am the son of Poseidon."

"Oh, _shut up, Percy Jackson_."

"You really think I'd fuck you if you were as '_classy'_ as Paris Hilton? You've got another thing coming, Hummel."

"Point taken."

"If you want, I'm classy. Parties that my parents throw that are full of cloth, satin and crystals, champagne and cognac from the vintage bottle, sex in five-star hotels with random pseudo-romantic men that _still_ send me like a tonne of fucking roses like I've got a vagina—"

"Yeah, and then grabbing them by the hair and screaming their names out as you come and then suggest that you two should make a porno together."

"Everyone has their own definition of classy."

"Come on, Smythe. I will show you just how classy I can be when we fuck. What kind of flowers do you like?"

"If you bring me a rose, I will _hurt_ you."

"Roses it is then. And candles. And we will have beautiful sex underneath the moonlight, in a full five-star hotel, in the warm bath tub, after we have dinner at a five-star restaurant. and maybe I'd even _propose_—"

_-After getting kicked out of hotel for very loud sex and Sebastian laughing at Kurt-_

"That was very _classy_, Hummel."

"Fuck you, Sebastian fucking Smythe."

"_You_ just did. And by God, it was delicious."

"So delicious we got kicked out of _the hotel_?"

"Pretty much. Face it, Hummel. We aren't classy."

"I _refuse_. Now…what size ring do you wear?"


	12. Suggestive Suggestions

_i haven't been updating this quite recently. mostly because i feel like nobody's reading this (sorry, guise!). oh, and sorry for the 'i've never had sex with Kurt' bit Blaine says here. when i watched it, the scene wasn't even there! i swear. or maybe because i walked out before i saw it, but now i know :P. _

* * *

Chapter 12

_Suggestive Suggestions_

* * *

"SEBASTIAN SMYTHE—"

"Yes?"

"Why the fuck did you send me a text message suggesting I should improve my form in bed?"

"Because you desperately need it. Come on, Hummel. An inanimate object can fuck me better."

"I don't even know where you got that fallacy from."

"Hey, Bastian! Hey, Kurt!"

"_Blaine_? What are you doing here?"

"…er…I was going to ask you actually for that song list for Sectionals, the one Will made for us to choose from…er…?"

"Oh. Okay. Here you go. And—"

"Blaine! Hey…tell Kurt that his form is horrible in bed."

"I am _not_ horrible in bed."

"Bastian…I…I never had sex with Kurt."

"Do you want to right now? We can have a threesome. Kurt's _atrocious_ in bed but we can teach him."

"I am not atrocious in bed!"

"Yes you are. I've never had someone make a face like _that_ when they're gonna come. I thought you were constipated."

"Oh that's just me, is it? Well, did anyone tell you that when you moan you sound like you're gonna dive in for a kill?"

"It's on, Hummel. Some people think that's _sexy_."

"It's as sexy as Blaine in a bow-tie doing Chemistry homework."

"_Hey_!"

"Sorry, Blaine…er…I've always told you that you looked incredibly adorable but adorable isn't enough to masturbate to."

"I think the bow-tie is sexy, Blaine."

"Oh shut up, Sebastian."

"What? You're boring and horrible in bed—I _need_ someone to compensate with!"

"I am not boring and horrible in bed!"

"Yes you—_hmmmph_…oh…shit…Hummel…"

"Er…Sebastian…Kurt…I'm kind of still here."


	13. The Options

Chapter 13

_The Options_

* * *

"So, Blaine, look at my current options and help me decide on which fuck buddy to take to my Mother's party that will a) creep her out b) get me disowned and c) get me punched in the face. Because I want to humiliate my Mother to the point where she will not even acknowledge the fact that I am her son. Gotcha?"

"…Sebastian—"

"Okay, look. This is John. He can be formal when he wants to but he really likes to tie me up, so I thought that if I can get someone to tie me up at my Mother's party and she finds me, she goes bat-shit crazy—"

"—that man is Dalton's History teacher, oh God."

"We made history at the beginning of the year. Shame he got kicked out. I wonder why."

"Sebastian, you blatantly disturb me."

"And this is my second fuck buddy. Name's Lawson. He's a cop. He made me dress up as a prostitute and all, but I think if I make him fuck me, and they find me, he's a lot likely to lose his job. So Lawson's out."

"…"

"And this is my third fuck buddy, named Bradley. He likes dressing up, and role-playing! Ohh. Do you think that he'll go through with this?"

"No."

"Good point, I haven't had sex with him since September. I think it'll be weird to ask him."

"…"

"And my last fuck buddy is your ex-boyfriend, Kurt Hummel, but I will not take Hummel to my Mother's party. He'll compliment her and she'll ask for when's the wedding and my Dad will buy the ring because he'll be so enthralled that I didn't bring an ex-criminal or a tattoo artist or something."

"Take Kurt."

"You want me to take Hummel to my house? That's insane. My parents will never disown me when they realise how good he is. And ask Kurt to keep me and move to Paris, and make beautiful French children."

"Kurt isn't French."

"When he sees how much my parents will offer him in cash, he'll offer to be an Australian prostitute."

"…my ex-boyfriend is not an Australian prostitute."

"Depends. Do you have his ID like I do?"

"Why do you have Kurt's _ID_?"

"Because when I get drunk and they find Kurt's ID, they will assume that it is the congressman's son of course, not me. Duh."

"Sebastian, I wonder how many meds you take."

"My therapist refuses to prescribe me any because she believes I have a history of addiction."

"Gee, I wonder where she got that idea from."

"Anyway, I'm not taking your ex-boyfriend aka my fuck buddy Hummel to my Mother's party because if I do, my parents will start pay for Kurt to marry me."

_-A Day Later-_

"So, how did the party go, Sebastian?"

"Well, Blaine, let me say that when I took Hummel to the party…my Father offered him an entire fortune and a complimentary kitten. He booked us a hotel room and then stood outside whilst we had sex and decided it was so passionate that we were the new Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. My Mother's already deciding what colour sheets I will be fucking him on during our wedding."

"…oh my God."

"I know. She decided peach. How can I fuck Hummel when the sheets are _peach_?"


	14. Nightmare

_because i have been inspired to update with the nice feedback i've been getting. :') these are so easy, quick to write chapters by the way. so if i don't update, it's probably because i'm an unmotivated piece of ass. also, my ass. its huge. xD._

* * *

Chapter 14

_Nightmare_

* * *

"Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares, Sebastian."

"That's nice, Hummel."

"No, seriously, I get so worried about you sometimes."

"No, no, no, you do not worry about _me_. That's what couples do. We are the standard fuck buddies."

"Blaine says you haven't touched another body since we started fucking."

"That's because your sexual drive is just as astounding as mine."

"I refuse to believe my sex drive is _that_ bad. You sometimes skip breakfast and insist on masturbating instead."

"And bingo was his name-o."

"Actually, my name's Kurt. But you don't remember that since you insist on calling me by my last name, even when you are clearly writhing underneath me and melting at my touch."

"Well-played, Hummel."

"I still worry. I have seriously vivid nightmares, you know."

"Of?"

"…you…"

"How vivid."

"…landing your ass in jail and me having to bail you out. I mean a sex drive like that is _illegal_, isn't it?"

"…Hummel."

"Yeah?"

"Imma fuck those nightmares right outta your _freakin' mind_."

"Is that an invitation?"

"It's an order. Now lie down on your stomach, Hummel and let me fuck you."

"I will _not_ lie on my back and let you fuck me."

"But that's exactly what you're doing."

"…my back needed some air."

"Yeah, right."

_-That Night-_

"…oh Mother. It's horrible I had a nightmare that I was fuck buddies with Kurt Hummel…."

"…Sebastian, I'd hate to make your nightmare a reality, but you are fuck buddies with me."

"We fucked? And why are you in my bed—like…like we are in a _relationship_? I don't do relationships with prissy-faced boys that come too fast."

"We are cuddling, Sebastian—you know, things that _humans_ do to show _affection_."

"Oh, God, it's worse than I thought. And I don't cuddle. _Couples cuddle_—oh God, what is that?"

"It's called _cuddling_."

"That feels nice."

"_Mmmhmm_, nice, non-sexual cuddling—Sebastian, are you feeling up my ass?"


	15. Bad Days

_this is seriously one of my favourite chapters. i love it. :]_

* * *

Chapter 15

_Bad Days_

* * *

"Sebastian, what are you doing?"

"Studying. You know, where you open a book, pretend to vacuum-suction all of this information at once, and then write it in words so you can pass and go on with your miserable, meaningless life. Why ask, Hummel?"

"We haven't fucked in days."

"…you _like me_ like me."

"Yeah, you're studying too much. I'm beginning to think that you like anything but the feel of my cock in your ass."

"You bought me coffee."

"…er…I was drunk and decided to apply a romantic gesture to our completely friends with benefits clause."

"And you got me flowers."

"Your Mother—"

"My Mother thinks I'm allergic to roses."

"Your Mother wanted to kill you."

"Hummel, you got me _chocolate_. If that's not a sign of 'I want to take you to Paris and have a wedding with sparkly vampires as wing-bearers' I don't know what is!"

"I thought you _died_. This was all for your funeral. You didn't have sex for days and you're Sebastian Smythe…I think that's the equivalent of a normal human being having a cardiac arrest."

"Awe, you're implying that I'm special. Thus, you have a crush on me. You even cuddled with me."

"You groped me. That's not cuddling."

"…you expect me to lie there and let you hold me without us doing anything? Who does that?"

"A _healthy_ couple?"

"Aha! Not a friends with benefits—hmmph…Hummel, did I ever tell you that your lips taste like vanilla ice-cream?"

"…no. I'm allergic to vanilla ice-cream."

"—so that's why you're such a tight-ass, Hummel. You never had people give you vanilla ice-cream before. Hmm. I sympathise."

"On your knees. I need you to blow me."

"…I have a Chemistry exam tomorrow."

"_Come on._ I'm like an electron during photosynthesis—Smythe, you _excite_ me."

"That's Biology."

"Smythe. On your knees. Blow."

"Bossy. That's sexy, you know?"

"Blow."

_-Two Hours Later-_

"When did 'blow' become 'Imma fuck you in the ass so hard you'll see the periodic table'?"

"Why are you angry at me?"

"Because I probably failed my Chemistry exam."

"Let's have sex to compensate for the loss."

"Sexual addicted Hummel. No. I'm gonna go have the most delicious thing in the world, and drown myself in it until I die of grief."

"And that is…?"

"Vanilla ice-cream obviously."

"I have been having the worst day."

"At least you didn't flunk a Chemistry exam because your boyfriend has an illegal sex drive, Hummel."

"Hey, Sebastian? Did you have any vanilla ice-cream yesterday by any chance?"

"Yeah, why?"

"…I have a severe milk allergy and can't have it touching me you know…"

"What happens when you touch dairy then?"

"I break out in hives. And I had an allergic reaction yesterday and had to tell my Father about it so he can get me some medication for my hives. Thus, my day's worse than yours."

"_Psst_. Don't see how your day's worse than mine."

"…Sebastian, my Dad asked me where I broke out. I had to show him."

"And?"

_"Sebastian, you gave me a fucking blow-job yesterday."_


	16. Cheesy Love

_Because my Bas realised Sebastian called Kurt his boyfriend. :] So yeah, this chappie is so totally hers._

* * *

Chapter 16

Cheesy Love

* * *

"Sebastian?"

"Yes, Blaine?"

"What are you _doing_?"

"I am making Kurt a sandwich."

"Why are you making Kurt a sandwich?"

"Because he won't fucking leave me alone! Ever since I _accidentally_ called him my boyfriend when I was mourning over my Chemistry exam – which I aced by the way regardless, he started to…I don't know. Do things. Very stupid things like opening the door for me, making dinner for me and worst of all…_hugging me._"

"…hugging you."

"I thought he was a Brazilian Axe murder so I acted in self-defence and broke the Wicked mug he owns."

"Did he scream?"

"During sex? Well, yes, he—"

"Sebastian. Not everything is sex."

"I beg your pardon?"

-_Sigh_- "So you're…making him a sandwich because you can't stand him treating you both like a _couple_? Something that normal people _hope_ for?"

"Quite so."

"That's very domestic of you, Sebastian."

"Shut up. I'm putting a slice of cheese in it."

"And that's bad because…?"

"Well, the cheese is still wrapped in a plastic wrapper."

"Are you pranking Kurt?"

"Yes. Yes, I am."

"With _cheese_?"

"…why must you ask so many questions, Blaine?"

"How can you soil something as innocent as _cheese_?"

"…please do not cum all over the kitchen floor. I just cleaned it. Stop orgasming over cheese."

"Sebastian, regardless of cheese's orgasmic properties…er, you cleaned Kurt's kitchen floor?"

"Yes. Why?"

"And then you're asking why he thinks you're a couple."

"…and your point is…?"

"…I'll tell you when you're married to Kurt."

"…have you been talking to my Mother?"

-_Later after 'love-making session' or so what Kurt calls it now-_

"…Hummel, sit down. I made you a sandwich."

"Oh! A sandwich after our…love making session? How sweet. And after this, we can go down to Lover's Lake and do…lover…stuff because you're my boyfriend."

"Fuck you, Hummel. I am not your boyfriend. I am your fuck buddy. It was a slip of my tongue."

"Slip of your tongue, huh? Well, your tongue slips into very odd places…"

"…like your ass?"

"Why must you be so vulgar? And Sebastian…why did you not remove the _wrapper_ from the _cheese_?"

"Because I can't stand your couple-y response to us."

"So you pranked me."

"You're just as bad as Blaine with pointing out the obvious, Hummel."

"…I love you."

"What?"

"I want to have your babies."

"Hummel, that isn't biologically possible! What the fuck is wrong with you? I made you a sandwich, with cheese. That has not been unwrapped."

"…Sebastian, whilst that is relevant, you… _remembered_ my favourite cheese."


	17. Pills, Pills, Pills

_Aetheriata, that is such a Glee mistake! however, i'm a vegetarian and whenever i eat vegetarian soy-made bologna, i still say 'i'm eating bologna' so that can be excused. also, i mostly drink soymilk but i still say 'sipping on milk'. i can't really say "i put a slice of unwrapped vegan cheese" in normal convo. that sounds kinda weird! ;D however, you pay attention to detail so kudos to you! AND HUGS._

_oh my Gosh. this chapter. the joke at the end of this chapter...is just..._

_to karmakameleon16, it's hard to make the chapters longer because i try to keep a 'punch line' or 'TOTALLY OWNED' sort of thing at the end of each of them. xD. however, he's a chappie!_

* * *

Chapter 17

Pills, Pills, Pills

* * *

"Kurt…are you crying?"

"Finn. Shut up. I'm not crying. These are not tears. This is water falling from my face. Because I'm preparing for a drought."

"…I thought it was hot in the room."

"…Finn, did you just hit on me?"

"…what? I didn't. Did I? I've been doing weird stuff lately. Like get this. Yesterday, I put the toilet seat down."

"What a riveting tale."

"And before yesterday, I actually took fifteen minutes figuring out what to wear."

"…"

"And today, I just decided to put Burt's medication in his coffee for him."

"…"

"Hey, Hummel. Tall guy whose name I don't care enough to remember."

"Sebastian. What are you doing here after you broke up with me?"

"I'm here to reinstate us. As fuck buddies, something we always were. So we're having make-up sex, right now."

"I am not so easily swayed, Sebastian."

"Come on. I remembered your favourite cheese."

"No."

"We had vigorous lively sex in a hotel room."

"No."

"My Mother made you cheesecake...wait. Do you really call it _cheesecake_ if it's _dairy-free_?"

"Why not? You call my brands of vegan cheese as cheese, not 'vegan cheese'. And okay. Fine. I'll be your fuck buddy again."

"What?"

"Your Mother's cheesecake is glorious. I can cut my leg and a goat for it."

"…that was quite easy. Let's fuck."

"Yeah, Kurt, and Sebastian dude, I don't want to be in the room for this."

"Hold up there, Finn."

"Yes, Kurt?"

_-Sebastian unzips Kurt's pants- _"You put pills in my coffee. Not my Dad's."

"Oh my God. Is your heart gonna stop if you take heart medication?"

"No."

"Why are you looking at me like you want me to explode and roll in the ditch and die?"

"…Finn. What medicine did you pick?"

"Uh…"

"…oh God. Oh God, Sebastian."

"It's next to the yellow one."

"_Ahhhhhhh_…the yellow one is my Dad's medicine."

"What's the other one?"

"…"

_-Throws Sebastian off him in mid-sex and dashes for the bathroom. Sebastian shoots Finn a dark look-_

"Oh! I remember! Those are _laxatives_!"


	18. Pictures

_aweee. i'll give you another shoutout, **karmakameleon16**. you're adorable. i honestly have no idea. xD. i just think of a prompt and let it go wild. such as here being 'pictures'. ;o plus, my laxatives had magically disappeared and i fear that my baby sister may have been ingesting them! xD. to **redbracelet**, i usually torture them but i gave them a break with this fanfic. all humour with a smidgen of romance. ha. ;D_

* * *

Chapter 18

_Pictures_

* * *

"Sebastian, we need to have pictures of us together."

"We're _not_ a couple so I don't see why not. By the way, Facebook does not have a fuck buddy option. Bastards."

"…Sebastian, not everyone is addicted to sex."

"Lies. My Mother taught me every man just wants one thing, sex and food."

"…your Mother's quite the charming lady. She sent me a telegram a week ago asking me where I wanted our wedding to be."

"Better not be in fucking Seattle."

"She wanted it in Paris."

"Oh. French weddings are _sexy_."

"Sebastian, I'll take a picture of us now-"

"Nope."

"Sebastian. What if I meet someone and want to introduce you to them and go like 'here's my fuck buddy. He has sex for free and spends five hours in the morning taking a shower and uses more hair product than the country allows'…by the way, why are you living in my house again?"

"Because _free food_."

"Apparently, your Mother's right."

"Don't count on it. Half that crap is soy food and a piece of bacon."

"I have a severe milk allergy."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm gluten intolerant, but you don't see me making a fuss about it."

"No, but my toilet's told me all about it."

"…this is why we shouldn't have pictures, Hummel."

"How is this the reason why we shouldn't have pictures? Come on, Bas! It's going to be delicious. You can role-play and all."

"Or pose in the nude."

"I'm not Leonardo Di Vinci—Bas, why are you taking all your clothes off?"

"Because I'm sexy."

"Damn straight."

"Fuck me, Hummel."

"You don't have to ask me twice, Bas."

_-Some Time Later-_

"We need to have pictures, Bas."

"We do. You have that picture of me in Berry's wedding dress."

"True."

"And I have a picture of you naked on my phone. Actually, several."

"Why does the caption say '_I banged this'_?"

"…what? Don't like the blue font?"

"…"

"Don't worry. I know you're always yapping on about privacy and personal space, so… I _only_ sent it to half of Dalton."


	19. Football & Cheerios

_to **karmakameleon16**, i have many wives, but you can be my pet meerkat. ;o and i hope not! i had a lax today. ASDFGHJKL; this one was so freaking fun to write and i don't get what was doing. _

* * *

Chapter 19

_Football & Cheerios_

* * *

"I bet you fifty dollars that your step-brother's cock is bigger than yours."

"…Sebastian, people don't _bet_ on things like that."

"You're just jealous because your cock is insufficient."

"You didn't think it was so insufficient when I ran it up your ass yesterday."

"He's a football player. Their cocks are always huge. I think it's a basic requirement. I fucked half the guys on the lacrosse team so I know."

"_Half_?"

"Alright. All. We were drunk."

"_They_ were drunk. You were just being an ass."

"You can read me like a book, Hummel. And can fuck me just as hard."

"I thought my cock was insufficient."

"Point taken."

"…so, what did spur on you betting on my step-brother's junk?"

"Noah Puckerman is delicious."

"…"

"What?"

"You did not just-…ew…_Puck_?"

"I'd like to think so. I like his ass."

"He's not gonna let you top him off, sweetie. You're the ice-cream and he's the topping."

"—Hummel. You _suck_ at metaphors."

"Unless you're a Cheerio, he's not fucking you."

"…oh. I've always wanted to wear that uniform."

"…"

"What?"

"Fuck Puck. You're wearing my old uniform and we will fuck in it."

"Ah…hey if we're role-playing the jock and the cheerleader, then I want to do this somewhere special…"

"Shush, Bas, and come blow me off before I decide to knock your teeth out."

"_Ohh_. Bossy football player."

_-Some Time Later-_

"Dudes!"

"Finn? Puck?"

"…are…are you doing _that_ in the locker room?"

"Well, Puck, we were role-playing and we thought that we wanted to make it as real as possible…"

"Were you wearing my clothes? Was Smythe wearing yours? Why are you naked?"

"…er…because, Puck…ah…"

"Well, Hudson, Puckerman, we're fucking in the locker room because your step-brother slash friend slash pet has a whole Cheerios fetish and decides he wants to fuck me in the uniform."

"Got to hand it to you, Hummel."

"Yeah?"

"You're as big in the department as a regular jock."

"…_ha_! My cock is sufficient."


	20. Facebook & Cars

_to **karmakameleon16, **awe! here's a chappie and some Kurtbastian love to cheer you up cx. I LUFFLES YOU. does that heeeeeeeeeeeeelp?_

* * *

Chapter 20

_Facebook & Cars_

* * *

"This is like…a tragedy. Like Hamlet, Hummel. Like Hamlet."

"How is _this_ tragedy?"

"Well, we're fuck buddies—don't you think that you can at least add me on Facebook?"

"…that's your oh-my-God I-am-Hamlet-and-my-Father-is-dead tragedy?"

"…how _rude_ is it to not accept your fuck buddy on Facebook? I accepted all of my fuck buddies on Facebook."

"Hmm. I was wondering why twelve drug addicts were friends with you."

"It's rude. Get on your laptop. Accept me now."

"_Rude_? And nearly blinding my ex-boyfriend is alright?"

"…what doesn't kill him makes him stronger."

"…what doesn't kill him nearly blinded him."

"…hey, he was blinded by _his love for you_."

"Sebastian, you have your parents on Facebook and wrote a status about how much _you enjoy fucking French bitches in your parents' bed?"_

"…I always wondered why they refuse to take me back to Paris."

"There. Accepted your friend—holy shit. Did your parents just friend request me?"

"—if they mention the wedding, we both eloped and have adopted an array of Chinese children."

"We did not elope. Or adopt an array of Chinese children. And before you ask, no, we didn't also teach them about the dangers of bow-ties and Capri pants to their blood supply and how they will end up jumping in front of their – what was it? – gay Prada-obsessed boyfriends in attempts to save them from a slushie facial."

"In my defence, I said _Chanel_-obsessed. I wake around every day with the scent of _Changes_ by Chanel and your guidance counsellor gave me a pamphlet reading '_so you thought you were gay but you ended up straight'_. My therapist applauds me for finding myself."

"Sebastian, what am I going to do with you?"

"Fuck me. Preferably with bondage gear."

"…"

"Hey, Hummel, you know what I want to be when I grow up?"

"…a French parent to Chinese children?"

"That too, but you know—I want to be a vampire."

"…if you mention I love Twilight in the next five minutes, we are not fuck buddies any longer."

"No! I want to be a vampire—because they don't sleep. Hence, I can use up all those…three hours a night I spend sleeping and actually fuck people in it. Of course, you have to be a vampire too—"

"…so what you're saying is that you want us both to be vampire so we can spend eternity fucking each other?"

"Yeah. Definitely. We can Facebook it."

"—Sebastian?"

"Yeah?"

"Your car keys are on your left. Get them."

"Ohhh. Are we fucking in the car? Car sex?"

"Of _course_ we're fucking in your car—but then I am promptly driving you to get a rather large dosage of medication."

"Awe. Only fuck buddies for three months before you decide I need a mental clinic. How romantic."

_-Later-_

"Sebastian! When we have car sex, do you know what I don't want to hear?"

"That I'm gonna put this on Facebook?"

"Yes but this didn't bother me as much as—"

"Oh, oh, was it when I told you that it didn't make any sense for you to call my 'CW hair' obnoxious because you and I have the same hair-styles—"

"Yes, but…Sebastian, honey, when we fuck in your car, the last thing I want to hear you say is wondering if _my Dad_ has an _sex insurance policy _on your car if it decides to break because we've fucked in it to the extent that no object can hold us together."

"So…what you're saying is that it's a turn-off for you to hear me talking about your Dad when your cock is in my ass?"

"…"

"Come on! I can tell him we're gonna adopt Chinese children so it validates everything else. Plus, if it helps, I've got the psych ward on speed dial to explain to him that sex is important to me so really, you were just giving me CPR…in my ass. You saved my life."

"…my Dad hears no mention of your aspirations to have children with me, or sex-related CPR."

"Got it."

"Good."

"…so, can I tell ask him for any tips on getting cum off my seats? …Hummel, why are you looking at me like you want to _strangle me_ instead of giving me very vital sex CPR?"

"Sebastian…"

"Wait, wait, wait, if you do strangle me, then you will give me sex CPR after, right? Dammit, Hummel, that's kinky."

"…of course. Because we're immortal vampires that fuck each other for all of eternity."

"See! This is why we were made for each other! Kurt… _why are you hitting yourself repeatedly on my wheel_?"


	21. Wardrobe Malfunction

_to **Kurt-Happiness and Coffe**e, i'm glad you're enjoying it, Miss Adorable! and to **karmakameleon16**, yes! 48 chapters! ^_^ so you get to see me quite a lot. :P to **theVinah**, DONT DIE ON ME. I DONT KNOW SEX CPR. this is also one of my favourite chapters! eep!_

* * *

Chapter 21

_Wardrobe Malfunction_

* * *

"…Sebastian, why is it when I open your closet, all I see is _my_ _clothes_?"

"Oh, oh, oh, that's because when we fuck sometimes, you tear off my clothes and ruin them because we are animals so you're compelled to lending me the Prada."

"…I need to sit down. Oh my Chanel. _I need to sit down_."

"Hummel, stop acting like you're going into cardiac arrest."

"—_all of my Prada—"_

"—is in good, safe hands."

"—my _children_."

"Tsk, tsk, Hummel. This is why we can't have children. You know, unless they're Chinese. Because you value a _shirt_ over them. How disturbing."

"—I paid over six-hundred dollars for that shirt."

"I paid over eight hundred dollars for this piece of paper, but you don't see me giving a damn about it."

"That 'piece of paper' is a masterpiece illustrated by a Italian artist that shot up cocaine and used it to express how bad losing his children were."

"…my cat can do better."

"Your cat nearly scratched out my testicles."

"Come on, Hummel. You should be happy there's something attracted to you sexually."

"I'd rather it not have said attractive specimen have sharp paws that can rip out my cock in a heartbeat."

"You know, if you try hard enough, you can attract your own species."

"…yes. _You_ are attracted to _me_ and I don't even know _what_ your species is."

"I am so charming you have to invent a new species for me. We can evolve wearing Kurt Hummel's Prada shirts when he fucks with us."

_"Gimmie back my Prada."_

"…excuse me? Weren't you all for _romance_?"

"We're _fuck buddies_."

"…I don't have _any clothes_ left in my closet thanks to your impulse of ripping my clothes away. If I give them to you, then I'd be naked. All of the time."

"I don't mind that."

"…well, some Warblers have made me sign a contract saying that I must wear pants. All of the time."

"…it must be exhausting, you know. Wearing pants, all the time."

"This is why we're fuck buddies, Hummel. You _get_ me."

"Yes, I do—now, gimmie my Prada or you will get into an insult bitch fight with me."

"I'm not scared of—_Hummel, get off me! My teeth! I paid for those teeth!" _

_-Later stopping to the Lima Bean after sex for a Warbler meeting-_

"Kurt, you tore off the last sweater I have on right now and mutilated my jeans like a tiger and I know you're angry if I ask you to give me the clothes you're wearing but you know, if I walk into the Lima Bean in my underwear, David will kill me. So yeah, gimmie your clothes."

"…you want me to go back home naked?"

"…you gave your clothes to a handsome homeless man who has Chinese children."

"…"

"Thanks, Hum—Kurt, Kurt, are you wearing no underwear under this?"

"Out of my car. _Stop giggling, Sebastian_! This is crucial. I'm walking back home with your torn jeans and a ruined shirt that gives me a muffin top!"

_-After Warbler date, on the phone with Kurtbastian- _

"So what did you tell your parents when you walked in wearing torn clothes?"

"…I told them the truth."

"…what? _Oh my_—"

"I was attacked by a meerkat."


	22. Sexual Restraints

_another chapter i fadooooore. oh, and babies, i think i just drank the sugariest orange juice in the world. what the hell is this_

_goodness. if someone reads all of my fanfics and their updates, all they're thinking of is: what a fatass all she talks about is food_

_food is food_

_and Kurtbastian is Kurtbastian AND THE BOX SCENE FFFFFFFFF._

* * *

Chapter 22

_Sexual Restraints_

* * *

_"Kurt Alexander Hummel, you are a genius!"_

"Alright, Hummel, what skirt did you _ingeniously_ make this time?"

"…it's a sarong."

"It's another reason why you don't wear any underwear."

"Anyway, I have made an ear-shattering revelation that may win a Nobel Warbler prize."

"…I don't get those. Why do they elect Blaine for bringing abstinence to everyone's attention by selling promise rings in the corridor? Those effects of which I still suffer today. Everyone still gives me a dirty look for not wearing one—or you know, because I fucked the History teacher. On any accord—"

"Bas, why is it when you open your mouth, I have a sudden urge to call my therapist?"

"Ah, my therapist is good, isn't she?"

"No, my therapist is a boy. And apparently, he's your therapist's husband. When I told him we were in a non-platonic relationship that involves much intercourse, he clasped my shoulder and gave the number of a funeral director and said if I want, he'd pay for the expenses of the coffin. He also put me in the psych ward for the fact that I may be suicidal because I willingly have agreed to be around you."

"My therapist is convinced I have an addictive personality."

"…I've never seen so many boxes of Lucky Charms finished in one week."

"You're just jealous of my raging metabolism. And they are magical. I know I get lucky all the time."

"And then there's the alcohol. I have to nurse you back to health every single day."

"…hey, you know what we need? You, in a sexy nurse outfit. _That's what this relationship is lacking_!"

"We don't _have_ a relationship, remember? And Sebastian, I am not a woman. I will _not_ wear a sexy nurse outfit."

"Says the guy that has no problem wearing a Lady Gaga outfit in high heels."

"Stop talking to Finn!"

_"I want your non-fat mocha and I want your Prada. You and I could write a potentially lethal romance."_

"…I thought you hated Lady Gaga."

"Yeah. Pfft. No regard for the English language. _You and me_ could write a bad romance? My French grandmother knows better English!"

"Your French grandmother is convinced I'm anorexic as she shoves _an entire baguette full of Comte cheese_ down my throat—_Sebastian, why are you hugging me?"_

"You can tell Parmesan from Comte and English cheddar from Irish cheddar—this… _this_ is _love_."

"Oh thank my Prada you have stowed in your closet. The minute you hugged me, _I thought you were having a seizure_."

"So, Hummel, is your revelation better than mine?"

"Yes. It's still _ingenious_. Now, I have to apply it in reality and wonder if really works in theory. Sebastian, do you remember that Blaine has a Labrador? Well, to train a dog, you have to put them on a leash."

"So, you're proposing—"

"—that I put you on a leash. Now, sit here. I got a good one for you."

"…my fuck buddy got me a leash made for a _Labrador_."

"Don't be silly. That won't hold you in. I got you one that's good enough to restrain a police dog."

_-Later-_

"Blaine. I'm gonna kill you."

"Kurt?"

"…put a leash on dogs to restrain them! Put Sebastian on a leash!"

"—Kurt, I never told you to put—why did you put Sebastian on a leash?"

"—to prevent him from having sex!"

"And what did it do?"

"I've never had so much sex in one day…_Blaine! This isn't funny! I didn't know Sebastian was into BDSM, okay?"_

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	23. Negotiation Tactic

_Shout-out to my adorable lover, **WaitingForAKiss** (I'LL WRITE EVIL KURTBASTIAN PAINFUL THINGS WITH THAT BOX SCENE DON'T WORRY), and I already stole that fox!Sebastian in that fox!Bas/bunny!Kurt thing. FFFFF. To _**_karmakameleon16_****_, _**_and here's your prompt, beautiful! xD. i just finished the whole thing yesterday (there is so much cheese to come) so i had to fit this in somehow. :P to my Guest, you're suggesting i write the BDSM as a full-length thing? i wrote BDSM!Kurtbastian once. if you don't mind me linking: www . fanfiction s/8116713/2/Kurt_the_Flirt -without the spaces considering FF doesn't like me posting links very much. ^_^ it's just that chapter :P. the other ones are Kurt/various other people._

* * *

Chapter 23

Negotiation Tactic

* * *

"Come on, Sebastian. _Please_."

"Hummel, I'd rather give you my _left lung_. You know that's my favourite lung. I smoke with that lung."

"…you make no chronological, alphabetical or technological sense."

"You characterized me alphabetically? How?"

"I tried to characterize your hookups but I got lost beyond the fifty-two mark and decided that instead of trying to alphabetize your hook-ups, maybe I should try to get a wrench and look into your brain, but then decided if I was ever charged for assaulting zombies."

"…oh! Assault? How sexy."

"Only you would find assault sexy."

"Well, there's Jack the Ripper and—"

"…Sebastian, when you say things like that, I am inclined to donate my hair to charity."

"Oh, please, that _one time_ a strand of your hair fell out; you thought you were becoming bald and preached about how you aren't sexy so I tried to make you dress up like a pornstar and slap your ass."

"I will not slap my ass in your presence or dress up like a pornstar."

"…and you expect me to comply on these conditions?"

"Come on, Bas. Please? Just one?"

"Normally, I'd say yes, but this time, I feel too exposed."

"Exposed? You were a stripper in France and went by the name _Sebangbang as in Sebang you so hard you're gonna shit yourself_."

"…hey, do not mention any of my tasteful, slightly shady past."

"_Slightly_ shady?"

"Get into three police arrests because of drug charges and let your billionaire Father bail you out and suddenly, you have issues."

"I feel _the revolt _coming on. I might throw up on your shoes."

"No! Don't! These belonged to my grandmother!"

"Oh, I'm sorry! Is she dead?"

"Dude, she's forty-four."

"Your _grandmother_ is _four-four_?"

"Old as old can be. See, my Mother had me at fourteen and my grandmother had my Mother at thirteen."

"…oh my goodness…your family needs a mental asylum built just for them."

"Oh, my Dad gave me a mental asylum as a gift because I like Batman so I can call it Arkham asylum and have bondage sex with people there…Hummel! Let's go have bondage sex there. You can dress up like a pornstar and slap your butt!"

"…then let me do my thing?"

"…fine."

_-Later-_

"Sebastian, now that you've had sex in a mental asylum with me and you have enough footage to make Christian Bale cry—"

"—do I? Do I really?"

"Oh God. It's not cryptic!Bas time again, is it? I told you not to read all of that stuff about the Riddler."

"Shhh…I have outsmarted you again, Kurtman."

"…how?"

"I killed two bats with one stone."

"How? You got the asylum bondage sex from me, and I'm getting a lovely night out with you and my parents. What else are you getting out of this?"

"Footage of you in tight pornstar clothing, slapping your ass."

"I don't have any footage of me in tight pornstar clothing, slapping my ass."

"Seems to me is that you've forgotten one performance of _Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)_ by Beyoncé then, haven't we?"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	24. My Love!

_the crackiest of all cracky chapters. warnings for stereotyping (done on Sebastian's part) but then again, it's Glee. it has its fair share of stereotypes. I WILL MARRY YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, BASTIAN (yes. to **WaitignForAKiss**)._

* * *

Chapter 24

_My Love!_

* * *

"Bas, why do you look like you've just been given a coupon for free sex by the parking lot?"

"…oh my God, Hummel. I can't—"

"You're acting like me when I see a Chanel handbag on sale. Spill it."

"…oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I am so _amazed_. Hummel, there's a being that is just so mystical and magical that I must leave you and have sex with him until we have beautiful gay children."

"…it better not be Christian Bale again."

"No, God, Hummel, I can't look because I might faint. Or worse, I might actually start being _nice_."

"…who is this Greek God that finally reached it to your _head_?"

"He dazzles with a thousand suns and makes me want to birth kittens."

"No…cat births, please."

"Just look at him. He is the reason I might start ovulating."

"Sebastian, look! Sex! Right now! Pay attention to me."

"…God, if him and I ever have sex, then my life would be complete. I will be ready to die."

_-Later-_

"How was that for sex, Bas? …Sebastian?"

"There he is. God, what do I do? What if I start melting into butterflies?"

"And dance on unicorns?"

"What? Hummel, those things…are _beasts_."

"Unicorns?"

"Yes. How dare you mention horses that have the ability to kill with that…that _thing_ on their head…no, he's _magical_."

"Bas."

_"Why are you sharpening your knife? Why are you going to kill my one and true love?"_

"…because—"

"Look at him!"

"Bas—"

"He's looking at me. Great God."

"…hello."

"HE'S TALKING, KURT."

"…um…okay…I…"

"—alright. If I pay you three thousand, will you pretend to be gay and have sex with me under a rainbow and you can spank me with a shillelagh?"

"…sorry, Rory. I tried to put him in rehab for the Lucky Charms. It just won't work."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	25. Vocal Range

Chapter 25

_Vocal Range_

* * *

"Oh my God. Carmen Tibideaux, Sebastian. Carmen Tibideaux is going to evaluate me. I think I'm going to pee myself."

"How sexy."

"If I sell my left kidney, do you think she'll accept me into NYADA?"

"I think that your left kidney isn't worth NYADA."

"Thanks for your eternal support."

"—hey, look, if you don't get into NYADA, what's the worst that can happen?"

"I don't get to live out my dreams. I end up living on the streets, having to sell my Chanel catalogue and my body, as well as living in the stench of regret and failure every time I wake up in the morning, only to stare at the look of disappointment and pity across people's faces."

"…you know, _besides that_. It's okay, right? Because you know what? You'll have me, Hummel. You will have Sebastian Smythe as your fuck buddy—are you _crying_?"

"…no, my eyes are watering at thinking of spending a _future_ with you."

"Leave that for the wedding."

"The wedding your Mother had organised since she figured out you were capable of dating a gentleman."

"…you? A gentleman? Yeah right."

"Oh my God. Carmen Tibideaux is gonna call my name in seventeen minutes."

"…you know what you need—"

"—no, Bas."

"—but you need it! Calm down your jitters sex."

"Might as well. My life as a prostitute is just beginning. If you want, you can also have my useless left kidney, and my right lung and—"

"I only want one organ."

"Ohhh…fuck, Bas…_SEBASTIAN_!"

_-Later-_

"…Carmen Tibideaux liked me. And I didn't have to offer her my left kidney."

"—so what you're telling me is that you're still in one piece. And I'm still in one piece, so my balls weren't cut off in rage for you possibly screwing up."

"…she said my vocal range was impressive…Bas? Rachel? _Why_ _are you looking at me like that_?"

"Well, Kurt, whilst your vocal range was impressive, I think that Madame Tibideaux was talking about the screaming that consumed us seventeen minutes before your rehearsal."

"But…seventeen minutes ago, Bas and I were…_SEBASTIAN! I'M GONNA TEAR OUT YOUR LEFT KIDNEY!"_

"So much for staying in one piece."

"Hey, if she really wanted to hear your vocal range, Hummel, she should've seen you last night…"

"Oh my God. We don't want to know what you two did in bed—"

"—he screamed so bad at me when he found out I spilled soy milk on his Prada shirt that I had to convince him I needed my heart to live."

"Wow."

"I know. But the Doctor did confirm it – Sebastian does have a beating, human heart regardless of what we think."

* * *

_fun fun fun! __sorry, babes. i have a headache from Hell but thanks for reading! xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	26. A Sign

_this is a really really bad punchline._

_to **AVPM-ROCKS**, he was technically cheating on Blaine but it was taken lightly. and they broke up because of it, but it's all covered completely lightly here and it practically focuses on the less-angsty aftermath! ^_^ to **trenchcoatedgayscientist**, Sebastian will never keep it in his pants for a second. fffffff. and omgosh. i initiated near keyboard smashing with an iPod (this doesn't work but i asdfghjkl;.) YOU PEOPLE ARE EPIC._

* * *

Chapter 26

_A Sign_

* * *

"Sebastian, you _have_ to be joking."

"You know how in hotels they have 'Do Not Disturb' signs? We need a sign like that, preferably on our room. Or you know, tie the Dalton tie around it—"

"—Sebastian, that would make people _know_ we're having sex."

"…are you ashamed of me, Hummel?"

"No, but I'd rather have my balls intact when my Father finds out that I've been screwing the boy that nearly blinded my boyfriend."

"Or you know, he could shoot you. He has a gun."

"…thanks for the input."

"I still don't get how nobody knows."

"Rachel does, and I'm still paying for her therapy hours with my therapist. Also, Puck and Finn. Now whenever I wash that old Cheerios uniform, Finn stare at me like you transmitted a thousand viral diseases by just wearing my clothing."

"_That's not nice_."

"And neither is stealing people's boyfriends."

"Not _steal_. Flirt shamelessly. It's a free country."

"...shamelessly flirt. As in dance with him when he's intoxicated in front of his boyfriend—"

"Okay, okay. I get it, but really, we need a sign on our door to keep others from entering during our sexy time."

"Bas, why don't you grab my hand, walk downstairs, and tell my Father we're having sex?"

"What if we have a sign for something else? Like _Danger: Hummel redecorating wardrobe_—just so nobody would walk in?"

"…Bas. Do you want to be punched square in the face—?"

"Or you know, _Danger: Hummel just woke up. Do not enter without complimentary Chanel bag_."

"I like that one. Can I have it in Dior grey?"

"Hmm…"

"Bas, we have to stop this. We're acting _civil_. We are _not_ civil people around each other. We want to tear each other's faces off in front of our Chinese children and have strong hate sex on unfashionable green sheets."

"Oh my God. We've never had hate sex. Until now. We must have hate sex, Hummel. It's like…_how can we forget to have hate sex_?!"

"Yes. Exactly."

"Hold on, I'll put a sign on the door—"

_-Finn and Puck passing by and look at door, Sebastian opens door shirtless and slaps a sign on door, Kurt grabs him by his hair and pulls him back, Puck and Finn bat their eyes-_

_DANGER: two people passionately hating each other. Do not enter without reason if you want cock intact due to raging Hummel with very strawberry-red face that refuses to wear underwear. Thank you for your eternal support and understanding. _

"I will not believe your stepbrother."

"I know how you feel, Puck! I like bought him penguin boxers for his birthday—_so he never wears them?!"_

* * *

_bad punchline. could not resist._

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	27. Coming Out

_****to **Wanna Be Starting Something**, hey, babe. loving your response and i would've picked the History Teacher as well! mwaha! -kissy- and to **ImJustDefyingGravityx3** (i imagine you being adorable and taller than me), i actually got this idea because my uncle said he had penguin boxers and i was like WANT. then i remembered my Kurt muse going all like: you don't need boxers. don't wear anything like me! and then i promptly died. _

_**pre-written note**: chapter I've written scripted because it's not three or two people talking, it's all of ND._

* * *

Chapter 27

_Coming Out_

* * *

_-implied sex- _

_Kurt _"Mr Schuester, I, Kurt Hummel, want to introduce you to someone very important. My fuck buddy."

_Finn_ "Kurt, don't do this—"

_Kurt _"Shush, Rache. And Blaine. And don't gimmie those looks, Finn, and Puck. This is a _very important _moment, just like me coming out of the closet—"

_Sebastian _"—Hummel, we just had sex _in_ the closet yesterday—"

_Kurt_ "—my Chanel bags, Bas! My poor authentic Chanel bags—"

_Kurt_ "—anyway, this is a _very important_ moment, just like my first ever solo—"

_Sebastian_ "—when was _that_ exactly? Hummel needs more solos. Preferably singing sexual songs, to me, forever. Actually, your ears can't handle that sexy little growl thing he does when he gets really horny—"

_Kurt_ "—BAS."

_Santana_ "So, let me get this straight, Gayface—you're having sex with your worst enemy, after a few months within the break-up between you and Blaine—"

_Sebastian_ "Actually, Boobface, a bit before that. He did cheat on him, you know, when I wore Berry's wedding dress—"

_Kurt_ "—okay! Who wants some sparkling cider? Or a croissant?"

_Sebastian_ "Is that an attempt to shut me up, Hummel? But we had such beautiful adventures together. My parents think we should marry and have sex on peach sheets."

_Kurt_ "Peach? That doesn't go with your complexion, Sebastian—"

_Sebastian_ "—I _know_! What a crazy woman!"

_Mercedes_ "So what is the point of this intervention, Kurt?"

_Kurt_ "Well, Mercedes, this obscenely tall brunette with green eyes you see here? We had sex. Multiple of times. He swindled my virginity and ogled Rory's ass for Lucky Charms. So we're coming out because we have a very rigorous relationship as fuck buddies. Plus, my Dad found out."

_Finn_ "_Burt_ found out? _How_?"

_Kurt_ "He walked in, on us in bed."

_Rachel_ "…oh my God."

_Kurt_ "Yeah, _I know_! He made a comment about pink not being Sebastian's colour and now he refuses to wear it!"

_Sebastian_ "Hummel, nobody paints my nails _pink_."

_Puck_ "So he doesn't know that you two are fuck buddies?"

_Sebastian_ "Oh, he found us having sex too but that doesn't matter because he was too busy applauding Kurt."

_Rachel_ "Huh? Burt was like…_applauding_ Kurt?"

_Kurt_ "Yeah. Dad's known for a while or so. Apparently I was mindful of his car this time. And didn't come on it and ruin the real leather on his seats."

_Sebastian_ "I told you, Hummel! I was going to ask him how to take cum out of his seats _BUT NOOOO."_

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	28. Vanilla

Chapter 28

_Vanilla _

* * *

"So, Sebastian."

"Thaddeus, if you have nothing to say, then don't speak at all."

"Er…you're looking awfully…glowy today."

"I'm not pregnant if that's what you're asking."

"Is that even possible?"

"Three years ago, I didn't even know it was possible to put Nutella and peanut butter in the same sandwich, but then I discovered it. What's possible now is more than what we thought years ago."

"Yes, er. Makes sense."

"If you're asking me if I slushied someone, no. It was a _frappuccino_ so that doesn't—"

"—who did you—"

"Jeffery wouldn't shut up."

"So _that's_ why he was so sad."

"I'm pretty sure the fact that Nicholas got a new girlfriend plays a factor in it, or you know, he was watching Oprah again. You know how bad it upsets him to see that woman."

"Yes. Because Oprah is scary."

"Are we being sarcastic, Thaddeus?"

"Are we being assholes, Sebastian?"

"Watch it, Thaddeus. I have a licence to kill."

"Why the hell do you think that I refuse to sleep without a knife under my pillow?"

"I thought you still had the nightmares of those killer rabbits, so you want to ensure your protection."

"…Sebastian, it's a secret diary for a reason. It's made to keep _secrets_, you know."

"Ah. Then why write them?"

"Because I need an outlet."

"Or you know, when you die, I'd have something to refer to and tell Nicholas about how much you enjoy ogling his ass in Geometry."

"That was for my eyes only."

"How come everyone seems to have a major crush on Nicholas? Is it the hair? It's the hair, isn't it?"

"Or you know, his personality. He's just so damn adorable and when he gets all fluttery and cute, it's just—"

"Jeffery will kill you shortly."

"I know…so, Sebastian."

"What is the point of this conversation, Thaddeus?"

"I was going to ask you why you smell so…"

"Yes?"

"…you smell like vanilla, Sebastian. The teachers thought you were of the female species until they saw your face."

"Oh, so that's why Candy Andie was staring at me like I was high on cocaine. Not that I look or smell like this when I'm high on cocaine. I actually—"

"Sebastian, I really don't want to know 'The Adventures of Sebastian and Illegal Drugs' right now."

"Then what do you want to know?"

"…why…why do you smell like vanilla?"

"Point taken. It's Hummel's fault. He and I were having sex and he thinks it's proper to keep vanilla scented candles for romance."

"…"

"I know. Me. Romance. _Ha_!"


	29. Cake Trouble

Chapter 29

_Cake Trouble_

* * *

"Kurt?"

"Yes, Blaine?"

"What's going on with you lately?"

"Sebastian."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes. Okay. So I had a bone to pick with Sebastian, or you know – a joint or a ligament, or every singular part of his body that can be disconnected. I think his heart is on that list."

"Uh huh."

"He got me a cake."

"Yes. Of course."

"It was delicious."

"Uh huh."

"It even had a '_Congrats, Fuck Buddy – you're finally legal and having sex with me right now is a federal_ _crime'_. It was so romantic."

"…"

"Sebastian was sex hungry. It's been two hours since he'd masturbated, so generally, he needed sex, or he'd explode. So he and I had sex, with cake."

"Wow. What a waste of cake."

"Bas made me eat it off him."

"…well, that's just…mildly creative."

"It was horrible, Blaine."

"Yes. Yes, of course. I can see it now. Er…why is it horrible?"

"Blaine!"

"Of course. I know why it's horrible. You don't need to tell me."

"Thank God. Now what do I do?"

"…er…why is it so horrible again?"

"BLAINE! That cake was _full-fat_!"

"…"

"Blaine?"

"…"

"Blaine, this is serious! I need to work it off! I am slightly disturbed that Sebastian will buy me a full-fat cake! Oh my Prada, Blaine – FULL-FAT."

"Kurt, answer this. Do you think you're fat?"

"No."

"Then stop acting like every slice of cake is going to give you diabetes or make you obese. You're beautiful, just the way you are."

"Answer this, Blaine. Do you like the way you look? Naturally?"

"Of course!"

"The hair gel. Off. _Now_."

"W…_what_?"

"It's not natural."

"—but—but—KURT. Please."

"So, are you going to help me work off this cake or not?"

"_Fine_….oh, hi, Sebastian! Kurt here was just wondering of ways he can work off your full-fat cake sex, you know."

"…really, Hummel?"

"Bas, I know I'm pretty and that I'm fine at this weight and I shouldn't be worrying about my figure but—hmmph….hmmm…oh God, Bas. Bas! More sex?"

"You wanted to work off that damn cake."

"Yeah. With Blaine."

"Oh?"

"…oh no, no, no, no, Kurt. Sebastian. I am _not_ involved in your threesome or…"

"I think I have some leftover cake in the fridge, Hummel."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	30. More Cake Trouble

_Look! The Sebklaine acts as sex for Kurtbastian. Promise this wasn't even planned but who doesn't love a bit of Sebklaine? Only this chapter at least. _

* * *

Chapter 30

_More Cake Trouble_

* * *

"Kurt, this isn't the way I pictured my first time."

"Well, Anderbunny, this isn't the way I pictured Kurt's first threesome but here's cake. I hope you like chocolate."

"Oh God, I love chocolate."

"I think he's sexually frustrated, Hummel. With _chocolate_."

"Yes, that's my Blaine for you."

"Yours? Hummel, are you have chocolate sex with him behind my back?"

"What? No! And…what does it matter if I do? Aren't we having a threesome right now? Wait, oh my God. We're having a _threesome_. How does that even work?"

"Well, Hummel, I want you to start nipple-playing your ex-boyfriend…oh, yes, just like that. That's hot."

"Kurt, Kurt, stop that. It's making me hard."

"Anderbunny, you need to be sexducated."

"Hey, Bas, how come you don't call me anything cute? I want to be called a bunny. You're the one that's been having chocolate sex with him, haven't you?"

"Come on. Look at those eyes. How can I not call him Anderbunny? You're kinda…wait. I've got it. Humming Hummelbird."

"—is that a crack about how I eat?"

"You wanted to work off cake. With a threesome."

"Excuse me, Bas. This threesome was not my idea."

"I don't hear you _objectifying_, stroking your ex-boyfriend like that. I should spank you."

"Guys. Guys. Hi. It's Blaine…Kurt, can you stop doing that to me? What are you stroking?"

"Like it, Blainey?"

"Sebastian, what did you do to Kurt?"

"I brought out the _vulgar_ in him, or so he says. Now I have to spank him. Or you now…Hummel, deep-throat Blaine and I'm gonna fuck you so hard you'll—"

"No."

"What?"

"If you fuck me, _you're_ the one that's burning calories. I demand you lick Blaine's cake off whilst I fuck you. That's your punishment for bringing full-fat cake into this house."

"…fine."

"Oh my God, Kurt, I'm gonna be deep-throated by Sebastian."

"…yes, Blaine. I'm quite aware."

"Virgins, cute, aren't they, Humming Hummelbird?"

"Mouth. Around. Blaine. Now."

"I've never once thought to hear Kurt tell Sebastian to wrap his mouth around me. Hey, guys, remember when Kurt used to tell Sebastian that if he touched me like this then he'd be digging for his grave—_ohhhhhhhhhh_."

_-Later-_

"SEBASTIAN."

"Yes, Hummel?"

"What is _this_?"

"…I suppose it's a gain of half a pound on your part, Hummel. You should lay off the full-fat cake. Or have more sex with me."

"…Sebastian, I will kill you."

"Plan B. Plan B. Plan B…HUMMEL. You look beautiful no matter what you weigh, you know that?"

"…Sebastian, you look beautiful no matter how many scars I'm going to give you right now, you know that?"

"MY FATHER'S A STATE ATTORNEY."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	31. Bathroom Stories

_since she demanded me to, the last chapter was writing for WaitingForAKiss aka my Bas, so. yup. xD._

* * *

Chapter 31

_Bathroom Stories_

* * *

"Sebastian, what are you doing in my bathroom?"

"Hummel, why do you have sixteen cans of hairspray in your bathroom?"

"Seventeen. And unlike some people, I take care of my hair and allow it to be obnoxious-less."

"Ah. So, where do I put my stuff?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"What? Fuck buddies don't move into other people's bathrooms?"

"Sebastian, no—and what is that?"

"Cologne. You know, stuff men wear. I don't think you'd understand given the fact that you wear freakin' _Changes_ by Chanel."

"Sebastian, you put that cologne right there, and I will ass-rape you."

"…oh, please, spare me the threat and just do it."

"No, I won't. I promised myself. No sex today. I need to shower and be in Mercedes' in an hour and I haven't picked out which Tom Ford scarf I want to wear. So get out of my bathroom."

"Let me think about that. No."

"I'm gonna take a shower anyway."

"Fine. I'm just gonna stand here observing how gay this perfume is."

"Fine. I'm just gonna shower in my stall observing you observing how gay my perfume is."

"Why are you so irritable today, Hummel?"

"Because I have to be there in an hour, Sebastian! What if I – Gaga forbid – wear the wrong scarf? How is that going to look on me? I might never leave this shower again."

"Good. So you can stand there observing me observing this bottle of perfume forever."

"Sebastian, I can't stay here forever. I have needs."

"Like?"

"_Food_ for one. And coffee. And Gossip Girl."

"…Hummel, why the hell are we fuck buddies?"

"You watch Gossip Girl too."

"…no, I don't. And I refuse to acknowledge the fact that you ship _Chuck and Blair_ together. You disgust me."

"…what? You ship _Dan_ and Blair together?"

"Yes."

"…oh my Prada. Get out of my bathroom. You don't deserve to see me shower you…you Dan lover—Sebastian, what are you doing?"

"Having quick shower sex."

"_No_—Sebastian, don't you know what it's…oh. Oh. Fuck. I thought you were observing how gay—"

"Yes, I am observing how gay you are."

"…oh dear Prada, Bas!"

_-Later-_

"I'm so sorry, Mercedes. I am so sorry. My scarf's all wrong and Sebastian's right behind me right now smirking but honest, it's because he thinks that shower sex is okay when you're running as quick as possible."

"Kurt, I don't know what to say to this."

"I know. My scarf—Sebastian! Really! Are you sexily suggesting that we should fuck with the scarf?"

"I see you two are well-acquainted."

"Yes, Jones. I just moved in his bathroom. I get to observe his sixteen—"

"—seventeen—"

"—cans of hairspray."

"Kurt, er…are you sure they're seventeen? Last time I counted, they were sixteen."

"Oh, Hummel, I forgot to tell you. I might have put purple dye in the new hairspray I got for you so you know, I can make you look less gay."

"…that's what I wanted to tell you, Kurt."

"…_Sebastian_!"

"Calm down, Hummel. I thought you were worrying about how wrong your scarf is. Now it matches your hair—_Hummel, why are you looking at me like you want to claw my face off and feed the remnants of my body to our Chinese children?"_

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	32. Rooftop Revelations

Chapter 32

Rooftop Revelations

* * *

"Sebastian, what are we doing on the roof of your house?"

"Hummel, is it a crime to be on my roof?"

"…Sebastian, honey, I can explain to you why it's a crime, aka someone will see you as a stalker instead of a resident of this rather large household and have all the evidence against you, and you end up in prison for the rest of your life, but I'd rather not go into those gratifying details."

"…you called me honey."

"I'm quite aware of that."

"So. I am an air-tight container of bee-vomit is what you're saying."

"I never said you were a _jar_ of honey."

"…but it's an implication. What else can you contain honey in? Other than a jar?"

"How about my stomach?"

"Oh. I noticed you've gained a few pounds too."

"Shut up. It's just water weight."

"I'm sure honey is full of water, being the bee vomit that it is."

"I will strangle you and you will fall to your death from your roof. How do you even get up here? This is a five story house! I didn't even know houses can be built on five stories for a family of four people! What do you keep in there? Corpses of your ex-boyfriends?"

"Ha. Then we'd need a hotel."

"Great Chanel. Sebastian."

"There's also my five brothers, but they don't count. They only visit when they come from France."

"…_Five_. Brothers."

"My sexual appetite had to come from somewhere."

"There's still too many rooms in your house, Sebastian."

"Those are storage rooms."

"What do you store? _Sarcophaguses_?"

"Very close. My Mother keeps her jewellery in them. They're just as pointless. Also, my Father keeps his trophies. Also, we can have 2.5 children there if the empty rooms bother you so much."

"Sebastian, we are not taking about us having 2.5 children on your rooftop."

"Why? It's not romantic enough for you?"

"Sebastian, I have an irrational fear of heights."

"What? Is Zeus's bolt going to clash down on the sky and kill you, Percy Jackson?"

"….I was always too fond of water. Oh my God. What if I am the son of Poseidon?"

"…Hummel, calm down. If you are the child of a Greek God, we would know by now. Besides, if not, our children can always be Greek Gods."

"Our Chinese children will be Greek Gods."

"Of course."

"I don't want my babies to be Greek Gods. That's it. Our different, clashing opinions means that we shouldn't fuck each other anymore."

"I suppose that's exactly why you're taking off my pants."

"Your erection is annoying the shit out of me."

"So you're deciding to calm it down."

"…no, I think a little air will do it good. Besides, if I look down, I'll pee myself."

"Hummel, my cock is not a living, breathing human being."

"With how much it functions, it might as well be."

"…Hummel?"

"…Oh God, Sebastian, stop making me want to fuck you on a roof."

"Oh, Hummel. Fuck me on a roof. I want to have your Greek God children that eat bee vomit."

"…Sebastian, I don't know if I should fuck you or call your therapist."

"Do both. She doesn't mind."

"…."

_-Later on-_

"Sebastian, were you having sex with that boy on our roof?"

"Yes, Mother."

"Oh. I thought I heard you talking about having Greek God children and…er, I thought I heard you also call your therapist."

"Yes, Mother."

"Sebastian, you know… your Father and I had sex on that very roof—Sebastian, where are you going?"

"To cut off my cock. I don't want to live anymore."

"…not again. Jean, call Sebastian's therapist."

"I would, Nathalie, but she required an immediate leave. Something about being allergic to hot, gay sex."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	33. Facial Cleansing

Chapter 33

Facial Cleansing

* * *

"Sebastian. What the hell are you doing?"

"Manly things."

"…is that my cucumber and lemon mask?"

"No. It's your apricot and pomegranate mask."

"…Sebastian, you're wearing one of my masks. That cleanses pores. And you're also doing 'manly' things?"

"Well, to your adjacent, Hummel, you will find that I'm also watching hockey."

"…that looks like gay porn."

"Well, they're hockey players."

"You disturb me."

"That's exactly what my aunt Renee said when I accidentally fucked her fiancé, Jeremy. My Nona loved it. My Mother cheered me on. They were hoping that Renee and Jeremy would break off their freaking engagement…"

"Sebastian, you are above normal."

"Says the gay man that owns masks and many tapes of his stepbrother masturbating."

"…Sebastian, tell me now. Did you watch any of those?"

"Yes. And I'm thinking he's your blood related as I see that when he's getting ready to come, his entire body goes red. He also makes these stupid constipated faces. Which is ridiculously close to yours."

"Oh my Chanel. My _fuck buddy_ watched my _stepbrother masturbate._"

"Well, it's not said fuck buddy's fault when his fuck buddy records tapes of his stepbrother masturbating and stripping. I should call you in for the cops. You stalk people."

"...says the guy that slushied my ex-boyfriend."

"Hey. I was aiming at you."

"…Sebastian , take off my mask and leave my room and give me back the tapes of my stepbrother jerking off."

"Hey. That was like three months ago. You can't be still be mad about that. Now, if you want something to be mad about, it's because I totally swapped your almondmilk for real milk."

"…Sebastian."

"What?"

"I'm allergic to milk, remember? You got me full-fat vegan cake and pranked me with veganised cheese. I use that almond milk in my face. As part of a cleanser."

"…I was wondering why your face was completely red. I thought it was because you're always angry."

"_Sebastian_."

"You can't make me leave, Hummel. Who else will watch all of your mediocre gay pornography for you?"

"I'd rather strap Finn to a chair and make him watch himself masturbate than have you sit a minute here in this room…what are you doing?"

"You said you won't have me sit a minute here so…"

"Sebastian, you can't fuck me now! That mask needs fifteen more minutes to dry and solidify so it's just gonna drip all over us! …Sebastian, is your mouth around my cock!?"

"Mmmhmm…"

"Gosh. On second thought, we should do manly things, Sebastian. Like you sucking off my dick….Gosh."

"…okay. I'll finish you off if you don't cum on my face."

_-Later-_

"What did I say about cumming on my face, Hummel?"

"Uh. You'd prefer that I wouldn't cum on your obnoxious CW hair. I quite understand. That's for the rash. The slushie. The fact that all of my pornography videos and Finn's masturbation tapes have been watched. Also, there's the fact that your cat peed on my book."

"…she thought the book was crap. She's just agreeing with you and the rest of the universe."

"It is crap, Sebastian, but how am I going to study Trigonometry with cat piss on my book?"

"…you study for Math? How? Do you just stare at the equation until it sinks in your brain?"

"Well, it's the same way I study you. I stare at you and pretend that I understand you, but then…at some point, I will just give up…Sebastian. Oh my Prada. Your _face_."

"What's wrong with my face? Did my cat pee on it?"

"No, it's ridiculously _soft_. Like…like oh-my-Chanel-fluffy-forever kind of soft. What did you do it to?"

"Tip of the day? Cum is actually a very good facial cleanser."

* * *

_do not try this at home, kids. xD._

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	34. Food Talk

Chapter 34

Food Talk

* * *

_-Post Sex Chat-_

"I can't believe this."

"Hummel, hold your orgasm."

"What are you doing, Sebastian? Why is whenever we finish doing it, you suddenly have an invasive appetite for anything edible, lacking nutritional value and full of saturated fat and calories?"

"Because. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm pregnant, I eat."

"When you're pregnant?"

"Sheesh, Hummel. I'm a man. I don't get pregnant."

"But you just said…Gosh. Sebastian, I've seen these symptoms before. We're trudging onto dangerous, bloody territory."

"Am I dying, Hummel?"

"You might as well be. What you're experiencing is what females like to call…PMS."

"Bitch. I don't own any _ovaries_. I don't _ovulate_. No one understands me."

"What's to understand? You're a sex-hungry meerkat that refuses to shave off his pubic hair."

"You forgot the Lucky Charms. You can't fucking forget the Lucky Charms."

"Did you demolish the seven boxes I brought for you this morning _already_?"

"I'm a hungry man."

"You're a fucking pit. Who finishes seven boxes of Lucky Charms in less than an day?"

"…uh. Someone who's hungry. Duh."

"I'm still both puzzled and envious of where all of this Lucky Charms go. It's like every time you have a box, you drop three pounds."

"…2.4, Hummel. Get it right."

"I wish I can deteriorate every time I eat something fattening, full of calories and tastes devilishly deviously delicious. What did you get your metabolism from? A freaking giraffe?"

"Well, I do like to think that I'm tall."

"Think that you're tall? You're a fucking skyscraper. Every time I tried to fuck you standing, I have to go get a platform."

"Now you know how Blaine feels like. I mean, I supposed he needed a platform every time he tried to kiss you."

"Oh my Prada. I just thought about it. What if you and Blaine got together? Ha. What platform is he going to stand on when he's trying to kiss you?"

"Hummel. I'm just going to pick him up and kiss him like they do in the movies."

"Huh. You never pick me up and kiss me like they do in the movies."

"That's because we're fuck buddies. Fuck buddies don't pick each other up and kiss each other like they do in the movies. Fuck buddies put things in each other's bathrooms, live in each other's houses and grope-cuddle when watching The Last Samurai."

"Grope-cuddle. By Prada, Sebastian, why does your mind always go to the gutter?"

"Ha. That suggests like it ever _leaves_ the gutter."

"Sebastian, can I suggest that you reduce your daily sugar intake?"

"Fuck off."

"Oh, so I guess that's a no."

"You put an entire _container_ of sugar in your coffee this morning."

"I had to tolerate _people_. You know I don't like people."

"You eat butter and ice-cream together."

"I'm sure many people want to find out the most fattening types of food combinations they can."

"Your lunch can be a feature in _This Is Why You're Fat."_

"But I'm not fat. I've been trying to gain weight since I was thirteen."

"Were you having sex at thirteen?"

"…oh. Now, it makes sense."

"Sebastian, I'm glad you're gay. If you were straight, the females you would've taken on would've had seventy children by now."

"If I was straight, my house wouldn't be so empty…"

"You are anything but innocent…Sebastian, what are you eating?"

"Animal crackers. I _love_ animal crackers. I actually don't eat anything that isn't shaped like an animal. And hey, these are organic."

"Sebastian, you eat Lucky Charms and last time I checked, they aren't shaped like an animal. And of course, those animal crackers _have_ to be organic to be gluten-free."

"No, the marshmallows are definitely shaped like an animal. They are, after all, shaped like you."

-_Sigh_- "I won't say anything to that for today."

"You won't? What? Did Yoda talk some sense into you?"

"Blaine's name is not Yoda and… no, happy birthday, Sebastian."

"You remembered it was my birthday!"

"Kinda hard to forget when _someone_ walks around the house at five am, in their underwear saying that they're fucking seventeen and waking my Father up."

"…I was wearing socks too so I wasn't completely in my underwear. Hey. At least I wear underwear."

"Here you go. I bought you a gift."

"Is it a slushie to throw on the spying Yoda?"

"Blaine, stop spying on us. And what did I say about threatening my ex-boyfriend with a slushie?"

"…I thought that was about the bondage handcuffs I thought of fucking him in."

"Just open your present."

"…Hummel. You got me food as a present?"

"Well, since you enjoy eating as you are human…I thought I can't go wrong with food. I made you this bowl of pasta filled with fattening white sauce."

"Are you sneaking anything healthy in this like last time you put ninety percent lean ham in my sandwich?"

"No. Sebastian, eat your birthday pasta."

_-A Bit Later-_

"That pasta was nice. However, the meat tasted weird…Hummel, why do you have that guilty face on? Did you chop off my ex-boyfriend and make me eat him?"

"…no, it was nothing. Uh…"

"Fuck."

_-Sebastian running to bathroom-_

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT IN THAT THING!"

"I didn't put anything that contains any of your allergies. Nothing that can possible contain gluten. I used white fattening pasta and nothing wrong with your sauce so I don't understand…okay, I might put seitan in it, but it's a vegetarian substitute you wouldn't have let me use so that's why I was so weird but since you need protein and—"

"You're right, Hummel. Seitan _doesn't_ contain gluten—"

"Then why do you sound like when you're getting out of the bathroom you're murdering me with my spatula?"

"…Seitan doesn't contain gluten. IT _IS_ GLUTEN."

* * *

_someone's swapping someone else's almond milk for revenge soon. xD_

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	35. Soft Ambitions

Chapter 35

Soft Ambitions

* * *

"No, no, Sebastian, you can't challenge me in _this_. Anything but this."

"It's because I win. I know I win, Hummel. I win at this so much that Charlie Sheen is suing me for being so win at this."

"…I'm fucking Charlie Sheen. Oh, Prada, where has my life and dignity sunken to?"

"Time to mourn the loss of your dignity _already_? It's not even five pm."

"Sebastian, no matter how…Charlie Sheen you are in this, I'm still better than you at _this_. Understand?"

"Hummel. My hair is better than yours. Shut up."

"Your hair is as obnoxious as you are."

"Your hair makes little children cry, Hummel."

"That was just _once_ and she was just intimidated by how sexy I looked. You, on the other hand, your hair looks like it's been cut with a lawn mower."

"Hey. My Mother birthed me with this hair!"

"Really? I can't tell with the can of hairspray used to set it in place after you've used my hairdryer on its highest incline for forty-five minutes."

"…_besides_ that, my Mother birthed me with this hair."

"Sebastian, if hairography was essential, then we'd be clutching a National trophy within the first ten seconds of them seeing me flip my hair back and forth."

"Calm down, Willow Smith—"

"—Sebastian whips his dick back and forth. He whips his dick back and forth—"

"—my hair is softer than yours."

"What? You're joking. Who the hell told you that?"

"You. When you were sucking me off."

"…your pubic hair doesn't count in this conversation! I'm saying that my hair is soft and delicious and—"

"Hummel, are you clutching my hair?"

"If pubic hair was in this conversation, then sit down and suck me off and see how snuggly and soft my pubic hair is."

"…whatever gets you off."

_-Later-_

"…Hummel, your hair was rough."

"The sex was rough. Not my hair. My hair is soft. It's so _soft_ it's auditioned to be Rapunzel. It's so beautiful and so natural it should be on a hair magazine."

"…hey, tall guy with nipples that show through his shirt!"

"…uh, my name's Finn?"

"Whatever. Whose hair is softer? Me or your stepbrother's?"

"Uh…no offense, dudes. But whenever I look at your hair, I kinda think that if I touch it, my hand will kinda bleed because they look like thorns."

"…Hummel, I told you we shouldn't ask anyone post-sex. You look like a demon."

"Demon? Finn! Come touch my pubic hair and tell me how soft it is!"

"I think you scared your stepbrother. From lack of soft pubic hair."

"I think you scared the president from how brown your hair is."

"Your hair's the same shade."

"…in the light, it isn't. In the light, yours still looks like it lives in the bat cave."

"You'd know that. All you do is sit in your room on your Macbook, talking to your ex about how soft your pubic hair is."

"…oh, please stop fighting you too!"

"Yoda!"

"Blaine?"

"If you really want to know, both of you have the exact same hairstyle. Your hair is as Finn said kinda pointy and I used to run my hand through Kurt's hair because I think it's alive and out to get me."

"…"

"…"

"Hey, boys. What are you doing?"

"Well, Carole, I was getting hair care tips. From Medusa."

"Shh. Kurt, don't talk about Sebastian like that."

"HA! YOUR HAIR SUCKS, BAS! I WIN! …I mean…I knew I was right all along, of course."

"I'm sleeping with a toddler."

"…I swear! I wasn't the one that finished the last of your Lucky Charms."

"So that's where you've been gaining weight from! Bee vomit my sexy ass!"

* * *

_Peanut Butter/Sam xo_


	36. Of Canvas And Art

Chapter 36

Of Canvas And Art

* * *

"Oh, Prada, Sebastian, I wake up and then there's this strange abomination that insisted its shows it presence in my room…"

"…you saw Blaine's boxers? I was disappointed too. I was hoping for panties. Or you know, really tight boxers."

"…look at it, Sebastian. What the hell is that and what is it doing on my wall? And can it _breathe_?"

"That? Did you see 50/50? The woman used to put things on the wall all the time. Her paintings and shit. So I decided to grace you with my paintings even though you don't fucking deserve my genius. Not really."

"That's a painting? It looks like Finn played volleyball with it and then decided that he was being too nice, so he let your cat piss on it. And then another cat pissed on your cat so there's double piss."

"Fuck you, Hummel. Learn romance. In the movie—"

"Yeah. I watched 50/50. Is that the girl that's cheated on him?"

"Fine. I'll make a new masterpiece."

"…Sebastian, is this like the time you put bread in a toaster and then put jam on top of the toaster and said that this had a deeper meaning to it than just some toast being cooked?"

"It did have a deeper meaning. See. Blaine is the jelly. He is the pest that never sleeps and we're in the toaster. Fucking. Since a toaster is hot."

"Sebastian. Every time you try to show your sympathetic side, I begin to think that you've been raised by drug addicts."

"Are you suggesting that my Father went back to snorting coke?"

"…"

"Hummel, on that wall, is the symbol of our love. Can you see it?"

"Cat piss is the symbol of our love?"

"It's brown and it's white and it's I think blue. I thought that was blue. See, the brown is your hair, the white is your skin…but then I put red 'cause when you blush, you look like a fucking strawberry and the blue is your eyes."

"That's me? You drew _me_? …I never realised I bore such a resemblance to Sid the Sloth."

"It's a representation of how you look like in real life. Annoying, with hips, and refuses to leave me alone."

"…fuck you."

"Okay."

"Sebastian—!"

_-Some Time Later-_

"Gosh. That is the worst sex I've had so far with you. Not because it wasn't great but my back really hurts right now. Not quite fond of sex in the dark…Sebastian, why are you snickering?"

"Viola! My new masterpiece! I call it 'Fucking A Brunette When He's Unaware He's Actually Being Fucked on A Canvas And That I Coated His Body With Paint'—"

"…that Vaseline you put on me was actually _paint_?"

"…didn't you noticed you were covered in red paint?"

"No. I just thought I was angry. I'm always fucking angry at you because you do the stupidest things such as…wait. You even got it right to the birthmark of Mickey Mouse I have on my thigh…wait. Is that the outline of my _face_?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Sebastian. I was unaware I was full of paint. You said it was Vaseline!"

"…yeah? So?"

"Sebastian, I had to go to a very important dinner afterwards and my face was full of paint?"

"Oh. I thought you were angry about the sticker of a cock I put near your mouth when you fell asleep."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	37. Sane Love

Chapter 37

Sane Love

* * *

"Hummel, if I tell you something, then will you hate me for it?"

"…what did you burn, break, destroy and/or fuck this time?"

"You always think me evil and sinister. That's rude, Hummel."

"Sebastian, you blackmailed my brother with a photoshopped photo, and you also seemed to have slushied my ex-boyfriend, so yes, I think you evil and sinister."

"Sheesh. Blackmail and slushie a guy one time and suddenly, you're a bastard."

"Sebastian, what is the point of this conversation? And what are you going to tell me?"

"I wanted to ask you if you loved me."

"What brought this on?"

"…nothing."

"Oh my goodness, you have feelings for me."

"Hummel, please. To have feelings, I'd had to have replaced the black pit in my chest I call a heart. Also, I'd have to start taking my medicine again, which I refuse to do."

"I always knew you were bipolar. Nobody can be sexy and still watch the lacrosse game when we're having sex."

"That was one time."

"Six."

"Five and a half. I didn't get to finish one of those games because you decided to orgasm and your scream covered up the victory made on _my_ team!"

"…so, Sebastian, what prompted you to ask me if you loved me?"

"I was eating a cheeseburger and decided that I loved it, so I thought 'hmm, maybe Hummel loves me as much as I love this delicious cheeseburger with large fries and a Coke'."

"…what a lovely, dramatic epiphany. I believe that it is so romantic that I'm slouching over my counter with tears in my eyes."

"I wondered why you were crying."

"I'm crying because you still exist."

"Awe. So you do love me."

"I don't love you. Actually, I believe that I love you just as much as Rachel loves singing in the background."

"That Melon girl?"

"Berry."

"…no, her boobs aren't berries. They're melons."

"…SEBASTIAN. YOU'RE GAY."

"What? I'm gay, but it doesn't mean my eyeballs have been surgically removed from my eyelids and I can't tell when a woman has boobs the size of my ego."

"…I don't think they've quite invited a cup size big enough to fill that. Point is, Sebastian, I love you as much as Blaine likes eating sushi."

"Blaine actually enjoys seafood. He loves them so much he also ate my goldfish."

"What? But I took him to a sushi restaurant, and he said that he hated sushi."

"…well, Hummel, when you wear a skirt like that for a date, I'll trade a spleen before I decide to be seen with such a horrible case of gayface."

"—it was a _kilt_. Anyway, I love you as much as your Dad likes gay people."

"…my Dad joined PFLAG, Hummel, when I was six. Before I even knew I was gay."

"I was always under the impression that he hates gay people because whenever I walk into the house, he starts bawling his eyes out."

"…that's because he'd rather have me having sex with a drug addict than someone who wears the same shoes as my Mother. He can already tell he'd have to give away all his riches when we're planning the wedding."

"…okay. I love you as much as I love being gay-bashed."

"With what you wear, honey, I think you want to be gay-bashed half the time."

"…I _don't_ love you. Sebastian, you are a horrible bully. You can very well be Bloody Mary."

"Well, I am an avid Christian."

"…what?"

"I'm Christian."

"You have a religion? I always thought you worshipped Satan."

"Well, I did have sex with you."

"…Sebastian. That isn't funny."

"No, it's comedic brilliance. I should be a comedian. I can make people laugh."

"Or small children cry."

"It's not my fault they can't take the smallest joke about Barney being a big, purple prostitute."

"I hope you never reproduce."

"…another thing I want to tell you…I do have a child. Her name is Star actually."

"…Sebastian, you're fucking joking. What demon did you produce? Is this why the world is ending at 2012?"

"…don't make fun of my baby."

"I'm slightly interested in seeing her, but fear that I may retch. After all, these shoes are new."

"I'll show you making fun of my Star…"

"…I'm actually slightly afraid of this."

"Do you love me now, Hummel?"

"No, Sebastian."

"You have to prove my love to me. Come and kiss Star."

"…Sebastian, is your cock named Star?"

"…yes. Why?"

_-After sex-_

"…I may never be sane again, Sebastian."

"Hey. You did say that only insane people can love me. Do you love me?"

"No, Sebastian."

"…hmmph. And I was going to buy you a cheesecake."

"…"

"Hummel?"

"Sebastian, I love you."

"I have that on tape! See, dear David?! People can love me too and they can be completely and utterly sane too! Ha!"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	38. Enchanting Things

Chapter 38

Enchanting Things

* * *

"Sebastian?"

"Hummel?"

"I have to ask you a question."

"…holy Hell. Wait. I need this on tape or on Facebook. See? People can come to me for questions too! I'm not a complete asshole."

"…Sebastian. Important question here."

"Of course, Hummel. You have my complete and undivided attention."

"Are you looking at porn?"

"Besides that, you have my complete and undivided attention. You will have more of it if you shake your hips for a bit."

"Sebastian, am I enchanting and charming?"

"No."

"…this is why nobody comes to you for questions, Sebastian. I want to be enchanting. Let me enchant you."

"…don't come any closer to me, Prince Charming. I carry a rape whistle."

"—is that even vital? You have sex with just about anything that moves."

"…well, there was my paralysed ex-boyfriend so your statement isn't very valid."

"…Sebastian, come on. I enchant things, right?"

"Yes, of course. You enchanted this slice of toast right in front of me."

"I think you just ate my enchanted piece of toast."

"…no, I was just showing him my equally enchanting stomach."

"Your enchanting stomach that is full of pepsin and carbonic acid? How enchanting can something that burns and kills things be?"

"…now you understand why it's so hard for me to call you enchanting."

"What if I lay down like this in this very charming manner?"

"Get off my table. I was watching Grey's Anatomy."

"What if I show you my enchanting anatomy?"

"After this season."

"…ugh! Sebastian, I must be enchanting. I mean, today, when I was walking to get return my pants, a small child stared into my enchanting rear and his eyes widened."

"I'm pretty sure that's because the tag of your seven-hundred dollar jeans was still on. I think he fainted, realising that people can be so shallow and materialistic."

"Says the boy that decided to have sex with my dad's client just so he can be your sugar Daddy."

"…I just wanted his watch."

"…Sebastian."

"It was a nice watch. I can tell the time now. Did you know that a whole minute is sixty seconds? Really? You know what I can do in sixty seconds?"

"...um. Microwave butter?"

"…yes. And now, I understand what those thingies on my microwave mean."

"What a lovely experience. So, what I understand is that you're enchanted by a microwave but you're not enchanted by my lovely rear?"

"…pretty much. Yeah."

"I'll enchant you right now."

_-After sex-_

"How enchanting was I, Sebastian?"

"Shh. I wasn't paying attention. Look at Meredith. This is an intense season, Hummel. Get your cock out of my ass."

"…why am I not enchanting?"

"Do you really want me to make you enchanting?"

"…yes. I would! Please!"

"Go to your drawer. The one where you keep useless cheap shit."

"My thousand dollar hair products?"

"Yeah. That. And you'll find something with my name labelled on it. Apply. And you will enchant things."

-_Applies_- "Sebastian, I don't understand why this is…Finn? What are you doing here?"

"Kurt, you smell really good."

"Sebastian."

"I told you that you can enchant things, Hummel."

"Sebastian, _why_ do I smell like bacon?"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	39. Celebrity Crush

Chapter 39

Celebrity Crush

* * *

"Hummel, come see my gay lover."

"…you mean myself? I've looked quite enough in the mirror today, Sebastian."

"Cocky much?"

"Excuse me? I'm the cocky one, Mr I'm So Sexy I Think The Eiffel Tower Just Exploded?"

"Honey, I'm not cocky if it's _fact_. The Eiffel tower did explode from behind me. My Father never quite understood how I managed to do that. Hmm. I always did wonder why we're not allowed in Paris anymore."

"…Sebastian, I lose a bit of my sanity whenever I talk to you."

"Ha. That implies you had any sanity before you had sex with me."

"So, where is this lover of yours?"

"There, standing there, in some awards thing, looking drop-dead sexy. God, Hummel, if I faint and if I have to go to the ER, I want you to tell yourself that I ate your last cookies."

"Sebastian, I made those for orphans."

"…well, my stomach is an orphan."

"I refuse to believe you have only one stomach. I'm sure your stomach as parents, an extended family and a dead mouse living somewhere in its attic."

"…you hurt my stomach's feelings."

"Good. Maybe it will stop eating my cookies now."

"Shh. Hummel, he's talking. You don't interrupt my sexy gay lover when he talks. Or breathes. Actually, don't ever speak again because… oh my God, Hummel, he's always breathing. _Always_. Can you believe that?"

"Actually, I do. Now, stop with your fangirling. You're getting feels all over my new carpet."

"—Kurt, look at him. Goodness gracious, whenever I hear him sing, or speak, or talk, or breathe, or just exist, I feel like I donate my lungs for that minute."

"Then you must be immortal, because those are a lot of minutes."

"What did I say about speaking? Listen to him talk, Hummel."

"What an annoying nasally high-pitched voice."

"…Hummel, don't insult his honour. And before I die, I want to have sex when he's talking in the background."

"The things I do for you."

"Like make me cookies?"

"I did _not_ make you cookies. You ingested my homemade cookies in your hungry-like state whenever you have sex with me."

"Let's have sex whilst he's still talking."

_-Ten minutes after-_

"I've never had you come so fast, Sebastian."

"…it's just. _He's talking,_ Hummel. What do I do? He's making a new movie, too. Oh my God, Hummel, let's fuck in the movie theatres when he's in the background again. I will be ready to die."

"…Sebastian, he's annoying."

"…don't talk like that about my baby. You're hurting his feelings."

"Sebastian, he's talentless. He has an annoying high-pitched voice, horrible hair and even he's too gay even for me."

"…"

"Had to be said, Bas, look at me. I'm a real star. Now, people like this, they'll end up playing a prissy teenager on a mediocre show with senseless plotlines. Probably a prissy gay teenager that never gets any solos, and that's always being pushed around. That, my fuck buddy, is people like Chris Colfer's futures."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	40. Criminal Minds

_the one in which Kurt has a criminal fetish._

* * *

Chapter 40

Criminal Minds

* * *

"Hummel, get your hands off me."

"You're a criminal. Sebastian, I don't think I've ever told you this, but I have a slight…fetish for criminals, and by my knowledge, you _stole_, or so the rumour says."

"I have in fact stolen many hearts."

"Fuck you. And get on your knees. I'll wear a cop uniform and we can have hot, pretentious sex that should be in a pornography but won't because I'll make sure your greedy, dirty, filthy hands never get a hold of my tape."

"…considering your pornography involves your stepbrother masturbating…"

"Shh. You're just too sexy for me to handle right now."

"Hummel, who injected you with some sense?"

"Shh. It's my criminal fetish speaking. I am not in a right state of mind until I come, preferably all over your firm pale ass."

"My ass is pale? Did you see yours? I think I can pass it as snow. Hey. If we ever play hide and seek in the snow, then you should totally get naked. I'll never find you. You'll be like Waldo."

"…Sebastian, I don't want to hear about how pale my ass is when I'm preparing to fuck you."

"Are you sure? I'm giving you gold here. You can be the state hide and seek champion and maybe you'll earn enough reputation to get money, and I like people with money."

"…I always wondered why you were running after Blaine."

"It was because of his nipples. They are so sensitive that they came to a peak through his shirt and I can see it, because I have superpowers."

"Nipple vision?"

"Yes. They should put me in the Avengers."

"Why? So you can tell whenever Scarlet Johansson's nipples are erect?"

"…ew. No. She has boobs."

"Excuse me, I'm not the one who made comments about Rachel having melons—"

"Hummel, when did this conversation turn from 'you're so sexy I want to fuck you so hard my sperm would swim in a speed so fast it's a cat in heat' to 'we're two gay men talking about annoying Apple's melons and trying to maintain a hard-on'?"

"You can maintain a hard-on through a war."

"…that was only once. And it wasn't a real war. It was a Prada war between you and that bitchy lady. It was sexy the way your face got so red, I thought you were becoming a strawberry. And I _like_ strawberries."

"…that's supposed to seduce me?"

"…you're supposed to fuck me to death?"

"…valid point. Ass up in the air—"

"—and wave it like you just don't care."

"Sebastian!"

_-Some time after-_

"So what did you do, Mr Criminal Sebastian? Now that we've got our hard problem out of the way—"

"—_your_ hard problem. My hard problem disappeared somewhere along Rachel Melon's boobs and the thought of you in bondage gear."

"Isn't the thought of me in bondage gear supposed to make you horny?"

"Hummel, please. Like you'll ever let me fuck you in bondage gear anyway. One second in that collar, and you'll say that it's complete inappropriate and that these handcuffs were your Dad's."

"…valid point. So, what did you steal? Was it something completely and utterly hot like secret files?"

"Well, they were secret files alright. So secret they should put me in jail for theft, because now, I know how Blaine's secret recipe to chocolate chip fudge cake!"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	41. Lightning Tales

_Yes. there is a SBL reference here. multiple ones actually._

_omgosh. this is nearly done guise. like 7 more chapters. THEN this is only the first in this installment i think. i have one where Kurt's on multiple diets and Sebastian is just as snarky as usual (i have a few chapters of this written), one with them planning a wedding and one with Kurtbastian!with children. let's see how it goes then. i'm trying to make these things as lengthy as possible. :) _

* * *

Chapter 41

Lightning Tales

* * *

"No."

"Sebastian, please."

"Hummel, you know what that is? A date. You know what I don't do? Dates. It means that we're together and that the world stopped and little birds die. Do you want to be the reason the bird species will become extinct?"

"Sebastian, please."

"Hummel, I don't do school dances! Didn't you read my card? I only do fucking, tongue play, nipple play, blood play, and the occasion bondage where you tie me up and spank me."

"What if we call it…eh, a very long sex session that involves us in suits for the first part of a night and then ends up with us in the back of your car doing things?"

"That's the definition of a date."

"Actually, a date means that we'd go out, have fun without the sex usually, especially when it's our first ever date."

"…we're not having a date. You're my fuck buddy. Dates mean that we're together, as in 'take a picture of the cute couple making out under the mistletoe and let's change our relationship status on Facebook' kind of together. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment."

"You seem so quick to commit to Blaine's fudge."

"Now, that's different. Blaine's fudge and I? We have a special bond."

"…you took fudge out on a picnic."

"…they were so delicious. To the last chocolaty bit. I think I just cried when I had to swallow Athena up."

"…you named your fudge after Greek mythology Gods and Goddesses?"

"What? Don't you name your food too?"

"…well, Sebastian, I can't really eat my chicken if I have it in my head that I'm eating Raphael. I, uh, prefer my food nameless, and anonymous so I can ingest it without thinking that I've eaten a functioning mammal."

"But you did just eat a functioning mammal when you ate that chicken."

"Sebastian, this conversation makes me want to go vegetarian and join PETA."

"If you do, say hi to my Father on your way back from there."

"Your Father's part of a vegetarian-vegan friendly organisation?"

"I thought you were talking about the Hunger Games Peeta. My Dad's completely Team Peeta. I kind of like Cato. You completely look like a Katniss person."

"Ew. No. She doesn't know fashion. I mean, did you see what Jennifer Lawrence wore to the Hunger Games scene?"

"Well, they are kind of uniform-y in the Hunger Games, and it kinda doesn't matter if you're going to be killed by tributes?"

"Hmmph. That's no excuse to wear a braid to a cat fight."

"…OH! I GET IT!"

"…Sebastian, calm down. I think your giddiness is making my head explode. Mostly because you remind me of Chandler Kiehl right about now."

"My cousin?"

"…what?"

"Chandler Kiehl. My cousin. Blonde, brown-eyed, doesn't shut up no matter what you do and what you say until you're driven insane and start hitting yourself repeatedly on a wall?"

"Hmm. Yes, but he's also adorable."

"Of course. We're related."

"I see no resemblance. I suppose then again, he does look like a cat, and you insist on being a meerkat. I'm pretty sure you're from the same order and class."

"Hummel insults me and then he wants me to go on a date with him."

"Sebastian, please!"

"No."

_-Later on that night, after sex-_

"Will you say yes to our homecoming dance date now?"

"No. People will think I have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend for more than three hours and a half and you know why? Because I'm a sex addict. I have fuck buddies and besides, my 'boyfriend' got angry when he found out that the only reason I was dating him was to get into his twin brother's pants."

"…Sebastian. Are you talking about my twin brother and what did you do to hurt him?"

"…I always thought Carson and you resembled each other. I thought it might be the hair, but his is better and easy to grab when we're fucking."

"…wait. So you had sex with Carson to get to me?"

"…shut up, Hummel."

"That is so cute."

"…of course, because everyone wants their fuck buddies to have sex with their twin brothers."

"Well, I don't like Carson. He doesn't even admit that we're twins, calling his last name Phillips. Hmmph. So, are you going to go to the dance with me _now_?"

"…ask me when I'm struck by lightning."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	42. Bruising Blooms

_i finally got around to putting the 'dry offensive humour' thing in the summary because i realise i say a lot of things here that are bad or stereotypical and so on. i have a pretty dry sense of humour. _

* * *

Chapter 42

Bruising Blooms

* * *

"Hummel, I don't know if I told you this, but I really would like Benedict Cumberbatch's face imprinted somewhere in my body."

"…make sure it's not your ass. I'd hate to tap you and see some other guy looking back at me."

"Shoot. I was going to have it on my ass, along with the words of 'Sherlock would totally tap this'."

"…Sebastian, I can't look at Benedict Cumberbatch's face anymore thanks to your shenanigans."

"How can you not look at his face? He's adorable. Just look at his hair! And his mouth. His mouth is cute."

"Shut up and kiss me, you cretin."

"Hummel, by the way, side note: I want you to hit me when we're having sex."

"Sebastian, whilst normally, I'd enjoy the fact that you are masochistic, I will not 'hit you' when we are having sex. That's just plain cruel."

"Come on. It's sexy."

"Abuse isn't sexy."

"It isn't abuse when I'm _asking_ for it. Abuse is when you start eating my Lucky Charms, neglecting me and letting me starve to death in our pantry. Abuse is something I do not ask for."

"In that case, I'm in an abusive relationship because you keep on eating my meals."

"…accidentally."

"You _accidentally_ ate full plates of my lasagne?"

"...people were threatening me. It was very hard for me not to give in."

"Your imaginary friends are hardly people."

"Shh. James can hear you and he's not happy. If your boxers are missing tomorrow, then…well, you'd never know. Considering you don't wear any form of underwear and leave your ass so exposed."

"Sebastian, sometimes I want to slap some sense into you."

"Great! Let's do that right now! When we're having sex."

_-Sexy times-_

"Sebastian, I really don't want to hit you. I mean, what if you start bawling at my extreme upper body strength? I once churned a whole bat of butter on my own."

"I'll survive."

"…what if you don't? What do I tell your Mother? That her son wanted me to hit him so I did, and he died?"

"…hmm. Maybe she'll finally disown me."

"You'd be dead."

"And disowned and free of my Mother's treacherous fashion tips. She reminds me of you. Except a taller, prettier version of you that actually knows the difference between pink and yellow."

"I'm colourblind! I can't _see_ yellow!"

"Excuses, excuses…wait so that's when you saw me with a banana, you went all pale, because you thought I chopped off some guy's cock?"

"…Sebastian, this is doing wonders for my hard-on."

"I always knew you were a blood nymph at heart."

"I always knew you were creepy, horrible and cold at heart."

"Aw. You're so cute, complimenting me like that. Now, hit the living shit out of me."

"What if you cry like you did at the ending of Narnia?"

"I'll live on. As Aslan did."

"Unfortunately."

_-Slaps-_

"…Hummel. What was that? It resembled being hit by a pillow. Try harder!"

"No, I don't want to hurt you!"

"…hit me like a real man, or I'll bathe in yellow paint. Wait. So, did you know Pikachu was yellow? That's sad. If I didn't know Pikachu was yellow, then my childhood would be over."

_-Slaps-_

"Hummel. Just stop. Your attempts at slapping me are making me laugh myself to death."

"…you're just too intimidated so you're asking me to stop."

"Of course, Hummel, because you have the hands and fists of my brother when I stole his taco."

_-Later on-_

"Hummel. You left a bruise on my cheek."

"Oh my Prada, I'm so sorry…"

"Hummel. I tolerate you more than usual right now."

"What? _Why_?"

"This bruise suspiciously looks like Benedict Cumberbatch's face. I finally have his beauty imprinted on a segment of my body like I desired. I'm so happy I can eat a banana! Hummel, why are you turning a distinctive shade of red?"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	43. Kitty Plays

Chapter 43

Kitty Plays

* * *

"My life is complete, Hummel."

"They finally legalised prostitution everywhere?"

"…I can still dream."

"…nobody dreams about prostitution being legalised. I thought you had me and my amazing sex-drive. Why would you need anyone else?"

"Who said I wanted someone to fuck me? I always wanted to be a prostitute when I was a child. It was a combination of finding my Mother sleeping with the backyard neighbour and finding my Father having sex with his client's nineteen year old daughter."

"…how thought-provoking and heart-touching."

"The amount of sarcasm in your voice should be illegal."

"Your ass should be illegal."

"It is in thirteen states because of illegal prostitution, which should be legalised everywhere. Anyway, that's not the point. Remember my book of hook-ups?"

"The one that's longer than your own cock?"

"Flattery gets you nowhere, princess, but yes, that hook-up book."

"And…? What Brazilian model did you have sex with?"

"I counted our threesome with Blaine as having sex with a cat and a Brazilian model."

"Aw. I never knew I was Brazilian model-worthy!"

"You were the cat."

"Fuck you."

"I'd love you too, but only after you realise this beautiful, beautiful glorious thing that just happened. My sex log just reached to 69. 69 times I had sex, Kurt. _6-fucking-9 times_!"

"…great Will Schuester's sweater vests, I thought you might have actually discovered something useful for once, something like fire, or light, or a new hair care product."

"...shut up, Hummel."

"Let me touch you."

"No, you'll ruin my perfect log."

"Sebastian, I will slap your ass so hard it'll be as red as my face when I get angry at you."

"…how sexy, Hummel."

"The amount of sarcasm in your voice almost makes me think that it should be shoved up your ass."

"…okay, now _that's_ sexy."

_-Later on-_

"I can't do this, Hummel. You write that you had sex with me in my sex log. I can't look at it. I can't ruin that perfect number."

"Fine. I did it."

"You animal."

"Well, Sebastian, according to your sex log, I am apparently a cat."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	44. Facebook Hate

Chapter 44

Facebook Hate

* * *

"I despise Facebook, Hummel."

"Says guy that always says 'let's have sex and post it as Facebook and see how many people like it'? As well as guy that says 'I'll post proclamations of love and put it on Facebook just so people can faint at the thought of me loving anyone but me'?"

"Hummel. Have you ever hated something so bad you'd strangle its throat and dream of decomposing its body to the shore?"

"Yes, I'm looking at said hated object."

"…what did the coffee ever do to you?"

"I'm talking about you, Sebastian."

"Oh, sexy. Can we have another round of hate sex? This time, don't break down my sheets and don't have sex with me so hard that I swear I'd have to have surgery."

"Good. Surgery is good."

"…Hummel, you're starting to remind me of a good friend I know named Hannibal Lector."

"I remind you of a cannibal that eats peoples' face off?"

"He is intellectual. Plus, he has such a sexy face."

"—that eats other people's faces."

"Hummel, I think the new beauty regime should start with you tearing off people's faces."

"…I will tear something off alright."

"…spare my cock."

"KILL THE SPARE."

_-Later on-_

"You ate out my ass, Hummel. I think you look even more beautiful than ever before."

"Are you just saying that so I can eat you out more or is it because I still smell like bacon?"

"…can I put that on Facebook too?"

"Your hate/love relationship with Facebook reminds me of something irritating…but I can't quite put my finger on it…"

* * *

_Props to all those who figured out what Kurt meant by 'irritating love/hate relationships' aka THEM. xD. Shoutouts to all those who didn't get it and are Finns just like me. :'o _

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	45. Working Out

Chapter 45

Working Out

* * *

"Sebastian, I'm going to the gym today morning."

"..."

"Sebastian, stop laughing. I'm serious."

"_Excuse-moi. Excuse-moi_. Okay. When you're at the gym, your stepbrother, Finn, is discovering the cure for Alzheimer's up in his room. Also, I'm going to go to church and pray for God to replenish all of my sins."

"If a deity exists, Sebastian, I think even He would have lost the count to _your_ sins."

"…I think he might put it as a double-sin when I had sex with you and decided that using whips and chains were sexy."

"…my ass, Sebastian. My ass."

"Blame Rihanna."

"No, I blame you and your impossible sex drive. And your bruise of Benedict Cumberbatch."

"…that was such a beautiful bruise. It had his outline. Next time, do Andrew Scott!"

"For the love of Sherlock Holmes, Sebastian."

"For the love of Andrew Garfield, Kurt."

"For the love of Rachel's melons."

"For the love of Brazilian Blaine, Kurt."

"For the love of all things that are indecent—"

"—you mean me?"

"That's exactly who I meant. Anyway, Sebastian, will you drive me to the gym? I need a grueling workout to punish my glutes for being quite as round and as perky as they are now."

"I get you're punishing your non-existent ass, but why punish me?"

"My non-existent ass? Excuse me, you're the one whose horoscope said that the best part of you was your feet—"

"—they're sexy feet."

"If you ever clip your fingernails and decide to take a bath every millennium, then maybe."

"Showering slows me down."

"…living slows you down, Sebastian."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want a workout? Come. Have sex with me. That's how I stay fit. And lacrosse, but mainly the sex."

"Fit? By fit, you mean that when you stand up, I can see the outline of your ribcage through your shirt."

"Some people like the bag of bones look."

"I'm glad you're not straight. No woman will ever like to date a man that's three times thinner than she is."

"…so that's why you're going to the gym. I thought the world tipped over its head because if there's something you don't know, it's exercise. I mean, just look as your thighs. They belong to someone who thinks that shopping for four hours is just as exhausting as childbirth."

"…this is coming from someone who groans every time they do a sit-up."

"I thought we both agreed that I don't need any exercise."

"Fine. I'll have sex with you, but afterwards, you must take me to the gym because I will live on that cross-trainer."

_-Later on in the day, afternoon, Kurt sitting on couch, Ben and Jerry's in hand-_

"…wow. Your life on the cross-trainer is rather painful to observe."

"Shut up. I'm watching the Dark Knight Rises. A very badly ripped version of it, but look at Christian Bale's figure."

"Already in the process of envying other people's bodies and metabolisms."

"Leave, Giraffe."

"…I was right then. My Mother always gets on diets. She then gets sick of them that she starts feeding me three times the amount that I usually eat in attempts to make me gain a pound."

"Let me watch Christian Bale. I ship him and me together."

"…he can throw you out of the window like a stage prop."

"Fine. I shut it off. Happy? Losing weight is so hard."

"Hummel, you don't need to change your ass. Losing weight might be hard and long process, but guess what else is long and hard _right now_?"

"Christian Bale filming his new movie?"

"…you're lucky you're cute."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	46. Unclear Conclusions

Chapter 46

Unclear Conclusions

* * *

_-After sex-_

"Sebastian, I'm just thinking…about the future. What are we going to do in the future? What if I get married? Will you still be my sex buddy?"

"That won't be hard, Hummel. Nobody wants to marry you. It's the equivalent of marrying their Mother."

"What if I become famous and successful?"

"…then I'll get down on one knee and propose to Trent Nixon the day that happens."

"Don't you have faith in my talent?"

"…honey, it's called being realistic."

"They always do say that you should shoot for the stars."

"I was quite unaware that 'shoot for the stars' has the equivalent of 'fly to the moon, go to Mars, piss on Saturn and have sex with Neptune'?"

"…Sebastian, you may or may not have ruined the solar system for me."

"I know how that feels ever since I realised that Mars bars exist."

"You eat enough sugar to cause a diabetic spike in an entire country."

"You know, I heard that from somewhere—my _Mother_."

"That's like claiming you're having sex with your Mother."

"Hummel, for the first time in my life, someone managed to find me a turn-off so bad that I think I might just chop my cock off."

"Isn't that the equivalent of suicide to you?"

"Now, you know how I feel."

"Sebastian, I was just thinking of places I want to go to. I want to go to Canada."

"Oh, please, Hummel, like you can handle the ice there."

"Or an exotic Arab country."

"Because they're _so_ tolerant of gay people. Lima is like a bear-hugging community with a support system like my parents compared to some countries, Hummel."

"Alright then. Don't you ever think of the future?"

"All the time. I mean, I'm just about to go downstairs and make myself a cup of coffee and inhale said cup of coffee. Said coffee is the future."

"…Sebastian. Don't you ever want to go somewhere? See places? Reach the stars?"

"…I did. When you came into me a few minutes ago, I swear I was seeing straight into the moon."

"…Sebastian, that was my light bulb. You and your decline to wear any form of medical aid to help you see better. Sometimes, I don't even think you know what I look like."

"I'm afraid to know. I keep imagining my Mother whenever you talk. Also, it's your voice. If you're a girl, Hummel, we are so over."

"A girl with a cock? …have you been reading fanfiction again?"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	47. Case of Blaine

_literally one more chapters to go. D:_

* * *

Chapter 47

Case of Blaine

* * *

"Hummel, my cat is bulimic."

"…what do you mean your cat is bulimic?"

"Blaine always throws up. Everything. Every little scrap of food. Even the Lucky Charms."

"You named your cat _Blaine_? …wow, Sebastian, you're completely and utterly devoted to me."

"No, I'm not."

"I mean…Sebastian, will you explain to me why you think…Blaine…is bulimic?"

"Blaine isn't bulimic. Hummel, he eats more than you and I combined and boxes it all off. Just between you and me, I also think he slaughters his own goats and they all have special slaughter bowties."

"…I was talking about—"

"God, Hummel. You're baffling on about Blaine when my cat is bulimic?"

"It's tragic. I'm sorry about Blaine."

"I thought I got over Blaine ever since you became my fuck buddy."

"I mean…dear Inception, Sebastian, we're talking about your bulimic cat, Blaine. I'm sorry that he's bulimic."

"…Hummel, Blaine is a girl cat. That's why she likes your Chanel bag."

"My-my-my authentic Chanel?"

"…yeah, that shit. She peed on it."

"I put my gay porn in that bag."

"RIP Hummel's bag. And porn. But Hummel, you have me! What more can you want?"

"Clothes. My Chanel. My Prada. My gay porn. A sandwich, with lean ham and ninety-five percent fat-free cream cheese—"

"Dear God, Hummel, talk about greed."

"Greedy? I'm greedy? I'm not the one that wanted to steal other people's boyfriends!"

"…well, you stole Blaine's heart."

"Blaine and I broke up."

"You were dating my cat?"

"…ugh. You and your cat are nuisances…let's just have sex. Get this over with and then I can chase your cat. Fair enough?"

"Jeez, Hummel. You're so cute when you're mad."

_-Later-_

"Hummel, don't strangle Blaine to death! She's bulimic."

"She's not bulimic, Sebastian. It's a cat."

"…oh my God…"

"Sebastian, stop laughing."

"Oh my God…I can't even…"

"Sebastian, if you say anything…"

_"She throws up when she sees you naked!"_

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	48. The First Real Time

_here is our gloriously fluffy ending._

_im going to miss this fanfic and each and every one of you guys. even though most of you rarely do not review. come on review for this last bit for me, pleaaaaase? okay. i should be begging for feedback at the end._

* * *

Chapter 48

The First Real Time

* * *

"Sebastian, I've come to believe that the only person you can fall in love with is yourself."

"…is it because I keep looking at myself in the mirror?"

"…no, it's because you wrote 'The Best Hook-Up Ever' on my contact list for your number."

"Well, am I not?"

"Sebastian, I was thinking and…"

"Great God, Hummel, whenever you think, this usually ends up with you threatening to chop off my head."

"What's—"

"My other head."

"Sebastian, can you not make a sexual reference for one goddamned minute?"

"Can you change that nasally voice of yours for one goddamned second?"

"This is my natural voice."

"Well, sex is my natural habitat. I can't live without sex. Or food. Oxygen I can exempt. Considering with how much I pant during sex…embarrassingly enough."

"Oh God, that's sexy."

"See, Hummel? You appreciate my sex references…moan, Hummel, moan."

"…and you can appreciate my nasally voice as well."

"Touché."

"Sebastian, do you know what we've become?"

"…is it Batman and Robin?"

"No! We've…we've become a _couple_. Why didn't I see it before! Sex, the dates, you moving in with me, the fact that you haven't slept with anyone since I was here…we've become a couple, Sebastian."

"…took you long enough to figure it out."

"_What_?"

"Hummel, I've got an above average IQ and a 3.8 GPA. Don't you think I knew we were a couple? I was playing a great game. Thank Benedict Cumberbatch for it."

"…you bastard. You disgusting, horrible bastard."

"And?"

"I love you."

"Hummel, I said we were a couple. No need to bust out Tiffany's yet."

"But I had it shined."

"There will be no wedding."

"Somewhere, your Mother is crying."

"Hummel, just shut up and fuck me."

"You don't have to tell me twice…"

"I changed our relationship status on Facebook, Hummel. Trent started crying. David thought I was high on all sorts of drugs and Blaine just liked our status."

"My ex-boyfriend liked the status about you and I getting together?"

"No, the cat."

"…great goodness, that cat is strange."

"Wait. Before we have sex, Hummel…"

"Sebastian, are you putting a candle? That smells like vanilla?"

"Don't give me that damned look."

"You…you did a romantic gesture. Just a millisecond ago."

"Great God. Don't make me break up with you."

"…tell me you love me."

"Hummel, this is why I'm never in a relationship. People are so needy."

_-After sex-_

"Sebastian, that was the sweetest sex you've ever given it to me. I might even call it making love."

"Nobody ever gets to know of this."

"As long as I cease to wear underwear, nobody will ever know."

"Kurt?"

"Yes, Sebastian?"

"…I love you."

* * *

_also put up this new semi-sequel to this called The First, Second and Forty-Eighth Diet in which Kurt fatally attempts to lose weight and Sebastian is just...well, he's being Sebastian. :) same dialogue-based thing, same banter. everything is the same. it's just because i like writing these and people like writing them. so check them out if you want xo_

_so yeah give me feedback you whores i mean lovely angels because._

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


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